'S' is for 'Sea Peoples'

FULL DISCLOSURE:  This is a repeat of a post I wrote nearly three years ago.  I feel a little guilty that I chose the easy way out for this edition of the A-Z Challenge.  But, hey, I've already written eighteen original posts.  In my mind, I rate a break.  Especially since only a handful of people even bothered to read this in the first place.  I did update it a little, though.  But, if that isn't good enough for you, sue me.    

Imagine how bad it was during the Velveeta Age

   Recently, I listened to a history podcast (I'm a nerd that way) called the “The Bronze Age Collapse.”

   Yeah, chicks dig me.  What can I say?

    Apparently, most of the Mediterranean world went to crap between 1200 and 1100 BC ("BCE" to you politically correct ninnies).  Give or take 100 years.  At any rate, a long time ago.

Surprisingly, Elon Musk had nothing to with it.

    From ancient Greece to Anatolia to Old New Jersey and, to a lesser extent, Assyria and Egypt, a lot of the known world came crushing to a halt.

    Historians are puzzled as to the cause of this event.  Sure, they’ve dug up evidence of a cataclysm within the cities, but as to its cause, they're stumped.

This could have been due to poor housecleaning habits, though.

    One possible explanation is laid at the feet of those known as the Sea Peoples.  Not much, if anything, is known about the folks who came crushing in from…the sea.  Try and keep up.

Artist depiction of a Sea Person

Artist depiction of a Sea Person after his friends made fun of him

     Sure, they may have just been cranky that the Greeks got all the best press in the history books, but there is some evidence that they were actually looking for a place to live.  Historians have speculated that the regions from which they came (they were called “northmen” in some stone tablets) had suffered some sort of catastrophe, possibly a climate crisis.  Which had nothing to do with the internal combustion engine.  Huh.  Weird.

NOTE:  the culprit may actually have been the Icelandic volcano, Hekla.  I won’t get into the specifics here, though.  Wild speculation is better, don'tcha think?

"Some geologists speculate Hekla may have been the root cause behind the Bronze Age collapse."
"This volcano?"
"Yes."
"Then, WTF are we standing here????"

    So, in an ancient real estate crunch (the eastern Mediterranean was a seller’s market), they swept in.  Many societies fell, as bronze was no match for weapons made of iron.  And the Sea Peoples had a buttload of steel (which weren't actually carried in their butts).

    A couple societies survived intact from the incursions of the Sea People.  The Assyrian Empire did pretty good.  Sure, they were pretty bad-ass, but the Sea Peoples weren’t too keen on dragging their boats across the desert.

"Yeah, let's just see those punks try it."

    The Egyptians even turned back the invaders during the Battle of the Delta around 1175 BC.  Ramesses III, insanely jealous that Ramesses II got to marry Anne Baxter and invent prophylactics, made a name for himself when he saved what remained of his world.

"Suck it.  So let it be written, so let it be done."

    He set a trap for the invaders by drawing them into the quagmire

Wrong quagmire

of the Nile Delta (I’m guessing that’s why it’s called “Battle of the Delta”).  The invaders’ overconfidence betrayed them as they allowed themselves to be drawn with their ships farther south up the Nile River (the Nile flows south to north).

    Eventually coming into perfect position, Ramesses ordered the attack.   When the initial onslaught of crocodile dung pies failed, he then ordered legions of archers gathered on the banks to unleash hell.  The Sea People were annihilated, and their predations ceased.

"Hey, these arrow thingies work much better than croc poop. 
Look how small they are, huh?"

  The pharaoh, quite full of himself, ordered a depiction of the battle inscribed on his mortuary wall, replete with dead bodies, prisoners, and, in hieroglyphics, “Up yours, Ramesses II!  I defeated the Sea People, while you couldn’t hang on to Charlton Heston and thousands of Hebrew slaves.”

    The aftermath of the battle saw the Sea People pretty much disappearing from history.  They may have moved to Ukraine, though.  But, no one knows.

    Still, it was a pretty cool story.

    Even if they did smell like fish.

"Meh.  You get used to it."