History of the World-VD

    February 14th is a day set aside each year in the name of love and the greeting card industry. For it is on this day* that lovers throughout the world (or at least this country) scour the aisles of supercenters throughout the land in search of that which most fervently expresses their devotion to their significant other. 

"Forget the car.  It's February 13th and I gotta get to Walmart!"

   

    Flowers, chocolates, lingerie, stuffed Cupids, velvet handcuffs, early pregnancy tests...all fly off the shelves, snatched up by those who desperately want to get laid.  At least once this year.

Incidentally, this will probably be the biggest workout
that Lady Schicks get all winter.

    But, how did this holiday (one which doesn't involve time off from work or school? Suck it, babies. You got Columbus Day**. Well, some of you. Suck it anyway).  Obviously (or not, for those of you who went to public school), Valentines Day is named in honor of Saint Valentine, he of the Rome Valentines. 

    There are actually many Valentines and, hence, different origin stories. There was, for example, a Valentine of Rome, Terni, and Genoa. 

To say nothing of Valetine of Secaucus, New Jersey.

    But, I'm only going to concentrate on the Valentine of Rome here. Mostly because he's pretty much the only one the nuns taught us about.  Plus, do you really want to read a long-ass post?  Well, hopefully no longer than usual, anyway.  Besides, you gotta get to Walmart (CVS in a pinch) to pick up a box of chocolates shaped like a heart. 

    God speed, you sentimental sap, you!  May your chocolates be more than those sucky jelly-filled ones. 

    Anyway, Valentine was a Roman (I already said that) priest/bishop/fishmonger in the third century under the rule of Claudius II, nicknamed "Claudius the Cruel" behind his back.  As was often the case during the first few centuries of the Roman Empire, persecution of the Christians was a favorite past time along with gladiatorial games, enslaving Germans, and washing togas with urine.  

    Unfortunately, that whole invading bit took quite a bit of manpower to pull off.  And, since free college and sex changes weren't really things in the Roman Army, the emperor needed to find some ways to staff the legions.  

"At first, some Senators wanted to call me 'Claudius Big Nose,' so I had them beheaded.
  So, yeah, that 'Cruel' thing...probably legit."

    One of his beliefs was that a married Roman wouldn't be that keen to travel far from home to conquer people who weren't too keen on being conquered.  Raping and pillaging were pretty much a bachelor-only kind of thing.  

    Valentine disagreed with this philosophy and conducted marriage ceremonies for Christian soldiers.  Claudius (since he was cruel) ordered Valentine arrested for eventual execution (once the check cleared after hiring the executioner). While he was waiting, Valentine restored sight to the blind daughter of his jailer, Julia (the daughter, not the jailer).  A pretty nice thing to do, if you ask me. If I was the jailer, I would have at least accidentally left his cell open in gratitude.

 

"But, you restored her sight after you dropped your tunic.  Perv."

    But nooooooooo, execution by beheading happened on February 14, 296 (once the executioner's visa from Iran was approved). The night before, though, Valentine allegedly left Julia a note saying, "Your Valentine."

"Awwwwwwwww, a letter from Val.  That...is...so...sweet. 
But did have to include 'Your dad is an asshole.'?"  

NOTE: Now you know where that custom came from.  

 

    A couple hundred years later, Pope Gelasius designated Valentine a saint. Christians by this time were running the show, having given the pagans the heave-ho.

That's okay, though. 
They were probably undocumented Scythians.

   Saints were being made right and left willy-nilly, and Valentine made the cut based on his religious fervor, performance of miracles, and outstanding penmanship. 

NOTE:  Unfortunately, Saint Willy Nilly was one miracle shy.

    The origins of the other traditions associated with Valentines Day remain hazy and probably were generated in lands far and wide from Rome or Hallmark.  Cupid, though, may be based on the possibility that Valentine gave Julia more than a note.

 

If you know what I mean.

    Be honest.  When you first read the title of this post, you expected something completely different, didn't you?

 *That this is the only day designated as such is kind of sad. What do the other 364 days of the year consist of? "HEY, WHERE THE HELL IS MY DINNER?"

**AKA Canadian Thanksgiving