Penwasser History-Happy Presidents Day!

 

Won't get mail today.  Or do business at the bank.  Most of you will have to go to work, too. 
Except me.  I'm retired. 
Suck it.

WARNING: The following contains some truths, half-truths, and outlandish points of conjecture.  Students are therefore urged to not quote any of the below for scholarly research.  Unless you don't live in the United States.  Then, who cares?  Like anyone is gonna know the difference.

NOTE:  Some of this is a repost from last year.  Not all of it.  But some.  Gotta write some of my book, don'tcha know. Because this Blogger gig doesn't pay shit.  Come to think of it, neither do my books.   

******** 

    As I perused Twitter

"It's X!"

whatever, and Threads, the more liberal (relatively) version of Twitter,

"X!"

Seriously, weird dude, give it a rest.  

Anyway, I read posts from a few people calling to ignore Presidents Day because it will celebrate a particular someone.

"I think he means me. 
Although I am the better reincarnation of Lincoln. 
Without the beard."

This was blasted by others who said the day was meant to celebrate George Washington.  Another said, "NO!  It's to celebrate Abraham Lincoln!"

Meaning, they'll argue about anything.

Even though I'd bet I'm more politically aligned with those guys, rather than the one calling for a nationwide boycott, I had to set them straight. 

So, without further adieu...    

    Until recently, there was no such thing as “Presidents” Day.  Rather, we celebrated “Lincoln’s Birthday” on February 12th and “Washington’s Birthday” on February 22nd.  What’s more, these were one shot deals, instead of the three day weekend we now observe.    

"One shot?  More than a little insensitive, wouldn't you say?"

    But, now we have Presidents Day instead of two separate holidays.  Created to make room for the Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday holiday (no sense giving mailmen too many days off), Presidents Day was meant to commemorate both our 1st and our 16th presidents.  And sales on cars, sheets, and living room furniture.

    So as not to offend either the Washington or Lincoln camps (boy, don’t get those two together in the same room!), Presidents Day was set in the middle of their birthdays.  Or the third Monday in February.  Or whichever made for the better three-day weekend.

    As time wore on, Presidents Day transformed into a day to celebrate all of our nation’s chief executives, even the sucky ones.

"You take that back."

    To be sure, there are plenty of obscure stiffs from which to choose, guys who could be genuine stumpers in Trivial Pursuit.  In fact, were it not for their bosses catching cold at inauguration, having one heck of a tummyache, being assassinated, being the second assassinated president, dropping dead of heart failure, or resigning, we probably would never have heard of Tyler, Andrew Johnson, Arthur, Coolidge, or Ford.

NOTE:  Two more presidents were, tragically, assassinated while in office.  But, I'm sure (unless you went to a Somalian High Skool), you've heard of Theodore Roosevelt and Lyndon B. Johnson.

"Who?"

     So, today I choose to talk about one of the lesser-known men to live rent-free at the White House. 

"What?"

   A man who was legendary in the Whig Party.

"Not wig?"

  A man who put the needs of his fellow citizens before his own.  A man whose hard work paid off handsomely.  A man who had the fortune of being Vice-President when Zachary Taylor died of a stomach-ache in 1849:  Millard Fillmore, 13th President of the United States.

"Kind of a big deal when you put it like that, huh?"

    Millard Fillmore was the last man to occupy the presidency who was neither a Democrat nor Republican.  Meaning he wasn't a batshit-crazy partisan.

"YOU'RE FIRED!"

     When we examine his accomplishments, we can clearly see...

    Oh, wait, I know.  He was a big proponent behind the Compromise of 1850, an attempt to forestall the coming civil war.  But, uh, part of that compromise included the Fugitive Slave Act which expedited the return of escaped slaves to their masters.

     Fillmore failed to secure the nomination of the Whig Party for presidency in 1852 because he sucked reasons.  He then joined the newly-formed Know-Nothing Party.

"Big fan.  No joke."

    That party went nowhere.  Which generally happens when you don't know anything.

"I'll bet they did't even know where Aleppo was, either."
NOTE:  this is an old joke, dating back to the election of 2016. 
Eventually, no one will know what I'm talking about.   

    They faded into obscurity.  A fate avoided by Millard Fillmore.  At least he became a punchline.

    And wasn't responsible for preventing the Civil War. 

"Just can't let that go, huh?"