Youthful Extortion

    

    I love Halloween.

    Yes <<sigh>> I know, I know...it’s a holiday allegedly drenched in Satanic roots replete with all sorts of horrifying images meant to invoke fear in mortals: ghosts, goblins, witches, Donald Trump, blah, blah, blah.

"If I was a costume, I'd be the most excellent costume
in America, if I can be honest.  And I'm orange."

"Okay, he's gotta point about that orange thing."

    Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord (or is that Barack Obama?), the politically correct observe the holiday via “Fall Parades”, “Autumn Parties”, or “Insert-Festive-Name-Here Celebrations.”

    The hand-wringing crowd also prefers that children not dress up as traditional spooky characters; instead, they like to see non-threatening alter-egos such as “Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor”, “Blue Man Group,” or “White Dudes For Harris.”

Seriously, if this walked up to my front door,
I'd be scared as shit.

    Oh, c’mon!  I took my kids to pre-HALLOWEEN (there now, I said it!) celebrations many years ago and not once did I sense the icy grip of Lucifer on their pillowcases full of Snickers and Jolly Ranchers.  Somehow, I find it hard to believe that the Devil resides in clowns and ballerinas.

    Extortionist Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and go pandering door to door for goodies (in which case, they should dress up as Vladimir Zelensky).  I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to have fun just because some simpering idiots think the day glorifies evil.

    Halloween was a big deal to us when we were kids.  I remember planning what we were going to wear and where we were going to visit soon after school started.  I even recall the costumes I wore:  Superman, Green Hornet, Spiderman (yes, even then), Hulk, Frankenstein, Mummy, “Glow-In-The-Dark Skeleton”, Underdog, and (the one that really never caught on) “Criminally Insane Druggist.”

Although, Billy Mezick was never able to pull off his
combination of Count Dracula and Abraham Lincoln.

    Unlike nowadays, we were never bird-dogged by our parents as we ran like scatterbrains through our neighborhoods, feasting on insane amounts of chocolate.

    We knew the unwritten Halloween codes: only go to houses with their lights on, be on the lookout for needles in your Milky Ways, don’t bother with the convent, and take only one piece of candy from the bowl of those too lazy to hand them out themselves (always followed THAT rule).

 

And never NEVER go to Mr. Mraz's house.
NOTE: I'm using a picture of Mr. Herbert from "Family Guy" because I don't want to copy a picture off the internet and insinuate that he is what I'm insinuating.  Thank you for your understanding.

    Oh, and fling eggs at the houses of those who dared to hand out:  apples, popcorn balls, toothbrushes, pennies, and ketchup packets.

"Nature's candy," my ass.

    My friends and I couldn’t get enough of what we saw as a great deal.  So, from six o’clock (or dark-it HAD to be dark) until ten, we went knocking on doors in the hope that we’d score enough candy that our arms would go numb from lugging around our sacks (Of CANDY!  Keep it clean!).

    Since we went to Catholic School, we had an additional good deal because the next day was All Saints Day.  To those “in the club”, so to speak, that meant that November 1st was a “Holy Day of Obligation” and so, was a day off from school.

    Actually, our “holy obligation” was to shove candy down our throats when we got home, wake up, eat some Sugar Smacks, inhale more Three Musketeers, watch cartoons, and make fun of the public school kids as they trudged off to class.

This approach tended to backfire come November 2nd.

    As long as we thanked Jesus.

    My point is, what’s so wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies which are doomed to become petrified lumps of sugar in a bag on top of the refrigerator?

    Nothing.

    After all, Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.

"On behalf of the blonde lady who lives with me-I hear she's a doctor-HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY, everyone!  No joke."