'E' is for 'Easter'

 

Spring has sprung

The grass is ris

I wonder where the birdies is?

 

That’s right, the warmer weather is slowly returning.

To the Northern Hemisphere.  I can’t speak for you lot in Australia and New Zealand.  Look on the bright side, though.  It will get warm again before you know it.  

And you don’t have Donald Trump.

  Or Joe Biden.

Anyway, the first of the Spring holidays, Easter is fast approaching.  Now, this isn’t intended to cover all the trappings of the most sacred day of the Christian faith.  Nor will I delve into what kind of freak of nature rabbit can lay eggs.

"I have therefore signed an Executive Order directing that every Easter egg will be a beautiful shade of orange and will be laid only by true, heroic, American rabbits who identify as chickens."

 

This post will be long enough as it is.

“Easter” is also known as “Pascha,” “Resurrection Sunday,” or “Feast of Our Lord.”  For devout Christians, it commemorates when their Savior rose from the dead three days after being crucified by the Romans in Jerusalem.

 If you don’t believe me, just ask Mel Gibson.

 The English word ”Easter” draws its roots from the Anglo-Saxon “Oestre” which is…ahhhh, that may be where we get the custom of Easter bunnies and peanut-butter filled chocolate eggs (because, quite frankly, I’m thinking peanut-butter filled chocolate crosses may be slightly sacrilegious).

Huh.  I stand corrected.

Easter usually takes places around the Jewish holiday Passover-a fact which I will cover when we get to the letter ‘P.’  Just be patient.  Usually around the same time, but not always.  For instance, Passover last year was a month after Easter.

 Interestingly, the Hebrew word for “Passover” is “Pesach” while the Aramaic word for “Passover” is…wait for it…”Pascha.”

Huh.  So, that’s why Jesus and his apostles didn’t get BLTs at the Last Supper.

I may have used this exact joke (and picture, by the way) in the "Passover" post.  Sue me.

When does Easter occur, you might say?  Well, we can all agree that it is a Sunday.  The specific date was determined at the Council of Nacaea in AD 325 (or “CE” for you politically-correct ninnies).  They determined that it would happen on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox.

NOTE:  Not going to explain what the “vernal” equinox means.  Basically, first day of Spring.

Trust me.  It has nothing to do with this Vern. 
And not just because he's dead.

 Or whenever the calendar says.

 

"Well, that's settled.  Who wants lunch?"
"Can we have BLTs?"
"Certainly.  We're all Catholics now."

Why? Well, people back then tracked things on a lunisolar basis, using the Julian calendar and the sun and the moon.

Luckily, the practice of using the entrails of an owl had fallen out of favor.

Thanks in large part to the efforts of Owls Lives Matter

 Eventually, though, Pope Gregory decided he wanted a calendar named after him because Julius Caesar had that salad.  So, the Gregorian Calendar was used.

Actually, no he didn't.

 Wouldn’t you know it, though, the Eastern Orthodox Church still used the Julian calendar.  So, their Easter wasn’t necessarily the same time as our Easter (the nuns told me we could say “our” Easter because we were the first real Catholics).

 

And our priests couldn't get laid.

Meaning Orthodox Easter was usually after “Sad Priest” Easter.  This year, though, both Easters are on the same day, April 20^th.

"What!?  No sales on Easter candy?"
"No.  But we can get laid."
"Oh.  Well, there's that. then."

That about wraps things up here.  Gotta go find me some Reese’s eggs.

"Mmmmmmmm........Reeses eggs........"

Oh, and those birds?  I’ll tell you exactly where they is.  Crapping on my windshield.   

'D' is For 'Djoser'

Djoser was also known as 'Djeser,' 'Zoser,' or 'Hoser.'  Probably.

Earliest known depiction of Pharaoh Djoser. 
Mostly because cameras hadn't been invented yet,

You know, good point. 
Did ancient Egyptians have noses?

Djoser was pharaoh of Ancient Egypt,

Not to be confused with Pharaoh Phil's Phalafel of Modern Egypt

during the 3rd Dynasty of the Old Kingdom from 2686-2648 BC (or "BCE" to you politically-correct ninnies).  Something like that.  Basically, a long time ago.

He is most remembered for...ah...um...oh, yeah, being pharaoh during the time when Upper and Lower Egypt united.

This is what it looked like.  Cool, huh?
  No, I don't know if they were red and white. 
Probably, maybe, I don't know.
Okay, there was more to it than cool hats.

"Someone say 'cool hats'?"

Okay, gonna help out those who don't know.  "Upper" Egypt refers to the upper reaches of the Nile River.  Now, while the Nile 

"Hey, that rhymes.  I made a funny."

 flows south to north, the upper Nile would actually be south.

    Get it?

    Good.

    Anyway, other than that, Djoser lead a military expedition into the Sinai Peninsula to give Egypt some sort of a buffer from those troublemakers in the Levant, dig around for minerals, or throw Hamas into the Mediterranean.

    Since it was so long ago, sources are unclear.

Although, that Hamas thing sounds totally legit.

    After he died (good Lord, I hope it was after), he was entombed in the famous step-pyramid at Saqqara.  While not too far away from the other, more famous, pyramids near Cairo, Djoser's tomb was pretty much left on its own.

After all, no decent pyramid wants to be seen with a step-pyramid.

NOTE:  Yes, that is me.  My ship had anchored in Alexandria in May, 1979.  It sponsored a tour to Cairo and its environs.  This was in 1979, mind you, several years before the folks in that region of the world became batshit crazy.

NOTE WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DJOSER:  Birgit from "BB Creations" has told me that she is unsure what I mean by "BCE/CE" and "BC/AD."  Since she is confused, others of you may be. as well.  Therefore, if you want to know what it's all about (and my opinion of it), I encourage you to visit  What's In a Name?"  Just know that, if you do visit, it will be the last post following a series of other poss.  If you don't visit, carry on to letter "E" tomorrow."

'C' is For 'Caesar'

 

"Et tu, Penwasser? 
By the way, have you seen my eyes?"

  I chose this post to talk about what may be a little-known fact about Julius Caesar.

No, he didn't invent the salad. 
I think it was a Mexican or someone like that.

  Julius Caesar, several years before he became a pin-cushion in the Roman Senate, was part of the First Triumvirate, along with Marcus Licinius Crassus and Pompey the Great.

"Meh.  More like 'Pompey the So-So,' if you ask me." -Mrs. Pompey

      Anyway, once Crassus died in Parthia (near modern-day Iraq)

"Betcher ass.  Infidel."

Caesar and Pompey fell out.  Thus began what was known as "Caesar's Civil War."  Kinda gives you an idea who won, huh?  

  Anyway, after the Battle of Pharsalus (won by Caesar), Pompey fled first to the island of Lesbos to meet his wife.

"Still 'so-so,' if I can be honest."

  Then, hoping to curry favor with the Egyptians, who had not yet fallen under control of Rome, he hustled off to Pelusium.  There, he hoped to meet up with a former client, Ptolemy XIII (who was co-ruler with his sister, Cleopatra VII).

Yeah, that Cleopatra. 
Oh, you don't want the Hollywood version? 
Very well.

Hey, I tried to warn you.

  

  

  Well, Ptolemy wasn't all that keen on taking the risk of offending Caesar so he ordered his advisors, Lucius Septimius and Achillas to murder Pompey once he stepped ashore on September 28th, 48 BC (or "BCE" to you politically-correct ninies) 

  Once Caesar showed up, he was presented with the Roman general's severed head.  Apparently, cutting heads off in that part of the world to make sure someone is dead has been around for thousands of years.

"You know it.  Infidel."

  This did not set too well with ole Jules.

  He was pretty hacked off that they had done so to a man, who was not only great,

"So they say."

but, most importantly, a Roman citizen, former ally, and consul.  He was disgusted and wept publicly. He then ordered the execution of those directly responsible for the murder. Lucius Septimius was put to death by Caesar’s forces, and Achillas met a similar fate during the subsequent Alexandrian War, though his death was more a result of military conflict than a direct execution for Pompey’s killing.

Caesar’s actions were strategic as well as emotional—he aimed to distance himself from the dishonorable act of murdering a Roman of Pompey’s stature and to assert his authority in Egypt. By punishing the killers, he also signaled that he wouldn’t tolerate such betrayal, even if it had been intended to benefit him. This episode helped solidify his image as a leader who valued Roman dignity, even in victory.

Even though he was fully engaged in a brutal civil war with the man, it was up to him to deal with Pompey.

No flunkies of no mere Egyptian would have the honor of dealing with Pompey the Great.

"Again..."

In other words....

"Lesbos.  Alright."

'B' is for Boudicea

Boudicea (alternative spelling: Boudica, Boudicca, Bootysellout, Wondertits) was* a queen of the ancient British Iceni tribe in, uh, Britain.  Considered a national hero of Britain, 

along with Mr. Bean

she led an ultimately unsuccessful revolt against Roman occupying forces in AD 60-61 (or, “CE,” for you politically correct ninnies).  Which was a long time ago.

The genesis of the revolt 

And here you thought that "genesis" only applied to the Bible.
"I don't know, those lions are skeeving me out.  Maybe I should put on some pants."
"Naw, don't worry.  Although that turkey really should pay attention."

was when her husband, King Prasutagus, an ally of Rome, bequeathed his lands to his two daughters and Emperor Nero (yeah, that Nero) upon his death.

Although, to be honest, being allies ain't necessarily a good thing.

Well, as these things happen, when he died the Romans completely disregarded his will.  Instead, they took his land for themselves.  Then, for good measure, they flogged Boudicea and raped the daughters.

Understandably, this really hacked her off.  Therefore, she put together a formidable army to throw the bloody Romans off the island.

Her army also included a squad of Pakistani cab drivers.

Things went pretty well at first.  Her rebels rampaged throughout the countryside, to include the burning of Camulodunum (modern-day Colchester.  Sheesh, it’s like those Romans had a different word for everything).  Flushed with success, she set her sights on Londinium (modern-day Lo-oh, you figure it out).

There she would meet the Roman governor, Gaius Suetonius Paulinus.  However, the governor, after realizing he was vastly outnumbered, ceded the future English capital to Bootylips.

"As long as there's no nailing of no breasts on no mouths, we'll go."

  Of course, since they were still pretty peeved at the Romans for that whole flogging and raping thing, the Britons set fire to the town and massacred dozens of Romans, to included impaling noble ladies and sewing their breasts to their mouths.

"Oh, son of a..."

Suetonius regrouped and, even though still vastly outnumbered, eventually defeated the Britons.  Boudicea would die, either via suicide or a far less sexy illness.

Or split ends.

Meanwhile, back in Rome Peter Ustinov Nero initially considered pulling the whole Roman kit and caboodle out of Britain.  However, following Suetonius’ victory, he said, “Well, eff it.  We may as well stay.”

"Huh.  Whaddya know.  Guess it's back to burning Christians."

The Romans would remain in England for a few hundred more years.

Boudicca, on the other hand, got a statue.  

And a song by Enya.

*I would think use of the term  “was” should be obvious, considering she lived 2,000 years ago.  Nobody lives that long.  Except, perhaps, Keith Richards.

'A' is for 'Amistad'

NOTE:  Those who have been with me awhile have (hopefully) read some of my history posts.  For those who may be unfamiliar with the "way I roll," though, I don't do a whole lot of research with these.  Now before you go accusing me of being a know-it-all, some sort of Stephen Hawking (without the "being dead" part) savant, just know that I pretty much wing most of these.  Some facts are absolutely true.  Others?  Yeah, not so much.  Under no circumstances should you use these things to study for the History SAT.  On the other hand, some remarkably stupid people get jobs in Congress so being a knucklehead ain't necessarily a deal-breaker.  Carry on. 

    On the 24th of February 1841, lawyer and former U.S. president, John Quincy Adams began his defense of Africans who had taken control of the Spanish slave ship, La Amistad.

And here you thought John Q. Adams was just
a son of a president who rocked some killer facial hair. 
Well, he was that and did that. 

 

NOTE:  Ironically, "La Amistad" is Spanish for "friendship." 

    In 1839, the Amistad had been sailing from Havana, Cuba to Port-Au-Prince, Haiti (both killer vacation destinations) with a cargo of formerly free Africans meant to be sold to the highest bidder from some hellish sugar-cane plantation.  Caught by slavers in Sierra Leone, they rose up and killed the captain and cook before they could reach the aforementioned garden spot.   

    They demanded that the remaining crew sail them home to Africa.  Since GPS hadn't been invented and the Sierra Leone office of AAA hadn't implemented the Trip-Tik system yet, they didn't notice when the ship sailed northward instead.

    Intercepted by a U.S. Navy ship off the coast of New York, the Africans were taken into custody and charged with murder.  Spain demanded return of the ship and the prospective slaves, but abolitionists intervened and retained Adams for the defense.

    After a trial before the Supreme Court which lasted two days, the former president won acquittal of the men who were then returned to their native land.  

    Thus, a victory against the evils of slavery was won by the abolitionists.

    Little did they know that something much worse would follow twenty years later.

   

But, that's another story for another day.