'C' is For 'Cabot'

 

'C' is For 'Cabot'

Sebastian Cabot
This isn't about him

It's about this guy

    John Cabot (1450-1499) was an explorer who, under commission by the English king, Henry VII, was the first European to visit North America since the Vikings arrived in the 11^th century.

Shortly after arriving, the Vikings left and wouldn't return until the 20th century. 
When they had someone to play.

    Born Giovanni Caboto (or Zuan Caboto in Venetian, for some reason) in either Genoa or Gaeta (who knows?), young John (I’ll continue to refer to him as “John” because it’s easier to type than “Giovanni”) moved to Venice, one of the leading seafaring states in the Mediterranean.

    However, bored by the family Venetian Blinds business and inspired by the exploits of that showoff, Christopher Columbus (perhaps...I don’t know...and neither do you), another Italian, John traveled to England.  It was there where he thought to gain patronage by Henry VII for a proposed voyage west.

"And here you thought us Henrys were
all about banging chicks, getting fat, and eating turkey legs."

    He figured to corner the maple syrup, poutine, and moose market in what would become Canada.

Poutine.
French fries, cheese curds, and gravy.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm......cheesy gravy."

  He was able to convince his majesty that Canada was where he wanted to be,

Or California

 since the Caribbean was full of parrots, pirates, and Johnny Depp.

    Screw Columbus, amirite?

"Not a little hurtful, to be honest."

    Not much is known of his first voyage. But his second voyage in 1497 included a swing past Ireland for a St. Patrick's Day bash.  After stealing some Lucky Charms, they sailed west to Newfoundland, where they found the indigenous tribes to be extremely polite.

"I heard that about you Canadian Indians."
"Eh?"
"Exactly."

  
    He followed that up with a third voyage, his last.

    It’s not known whether he died during that trip, returned to England where he died shortly thereafter, or remained in Newfoundland where he opened up a chain of flapjacks and beaver pelt shops.

    But, he definitely died.

    In any case, were it not for John Cabot, schoolchildren throughout the Western world have one less name to remember on tests.

"Thank goodness.  It's tough enough keeping Vasco Da Gama and Balboa separate."

 

Wrong Balboa

 

'B' is For 'Babur'

'B' is For Babur

    Babur was born Zahir ud-Din Muhammed in Uzbekistan (which is north of India.  I think.  Maybe.  At any rate, north of the equator.  Just ask AOC) on February 14, 1483 and died in Agra (in northern India, near the Taj Mahal) on December 26, 1530.  The day after Christmas.  Which wasn't a big deal.  Because..."Muhammed."

He eventually changed his name to "Babur" which fit better on his birthday cakes.

He is an Indian elephant.
Coincidence?

       Babur is credited with founding the Mughal Empire in 1526, a stretch of territory which encompasses the whole of India and other bits of land which aren’t too familiar to me.  Hey, all I was taught in school was Western Europe.  I can’t help it.

Told ya.

    Now before you think I misspelled the name (hey, to be honest, I’m not perfect so I can understand), this is not to be confused with the “Mongol” Empire.  That, much larger, empire is associated with Genghis Khan.  Interestingly, Babur was a descendant of Genghis.  You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but...come to think of it, maybe you would.  They do look alike, after all.

    Babur was originally a staunch Sunni Muslim, 

"Not to be confused with a Shia Muslim, amirite?"
"Hey, aren't you dead?"
"I am, but I live on at Penwasser Place."
"DEATH TO AMERICA!"
"Attaboy."

but in his later years ameliorated his views to include tolerance of other religions.  In addition, he was a fervent patron of poetry, mathematics, history, riding on top of trains, and hygiene.

Which, sadly, never caught on.

    Fun Fact:  One of Babur’s successors, Shah Jaha, ordered construction of the Taj Mahal in 1631, in honor of his late wife, Mrs. Jaha.

    The Mughal Empire lasted until it was formally absorbed by the British Raj following the Indian Rebellion of 1857.  After which, India became a vital part of the British Empire.

And now, Muslims are part of Great Britain. 
Ironic, no?

    Babur is also lauded for his contribution to American culture for inspiring the Seinfeld character, Babu Bhatt.

    Okay, that isn't true.

Yeah, that's not true.

     But, that Genghis Khan thing totally is.

'A' is For Akhenaten

NOTE:  Well, let the A-Z Challenge begin!  Before you start (and I hope you do), I must emphasize that what you're about to read over the next month merely scratches the surface.  If you wish to learn more, may I suggest you dig even deeper.  Also, since we're talking Penwasser Place here, not everything you read is factual.  Come to think of it, most of what you read is not factual.  But, some is.  Good luck with that! 

'A' is For Ahkenaten

Got a condo made of stonah

 

"Come on.  You know that's bullshit."

   Akhenaten or Akhenaton or Echnaton or Lou (to his close friends) was the tenth pharaoh of Egypt’s Eighteenth Dynasty from 1353 BC-1336 BC (or “BCE” to you politically-correct ninnies).  Or 1351-1334.  People aren’t positive.  Basically, it was a long-ass time ago.

Older than even Keith Richards

    Beginning his reign as Amenhotep IV, he changed his name to “Akhenaten” (meaning “effective of Aten”) in the fifth year of his reign (those crazy teenagers) when he abolished Egypt’s ancient polytheistic (meaning veneration of many gods.  Or parrots) cult in favor of that wacky Atenism, which venerated the sun.  And whose motto was MEGA (Make Egypt Great Again).  Perhaps.

    Anyway, he founded the city of Amarna, which was meant to be the headquarters for the new religion.  However, for reasons which will become clear, it disappeared into the desert and wasn’t discovered until the 19^th century.

The ruins of Amarn...oops, sorry.  This is Los Angeles.

 

Not to be confused with "Amana."
Hey, I wouldn't blame you if you were. 
There's all sort of crazy stuff here.

   When Lou died, Atenism died with him.  Follow-on rulers ordered that mention of his name be stricken from all aspects of Egyptian life.  This included all executive orders royal pronouncements, religious inscriptions, monuments, and his name was even excluded from a list of list of rulers by later pharaohs, preventing his election to the Egyptian Hall of Fame.   

"He was called 'that criminal' and 'Nile Crocodile Dung."

    The city of Amarna was even abandoned.  And not just because it wasn’t prime beachfront property.

The Red Sea was sooooooo close.
NOTE: Their wives went to Nag Hammadi

  

"Come on.  You gotta admit, that was pretty funny."

"What'd I say?"

    The residents were encouraged to relocate to Memphis, which proved to be a disappointment, due to lack of jazz and good barbecue.

    Bottom line, not a popular guy.  Especially once he left.

    And not just because he smelled like croc poop.

 

    

       

What's In a Date?

BC/AD, BCE/CE, AC/DC

    For the 2026 A-Z Challenge, I've chosen to describe those figures in history which probably had little effect on our lives.  In other words, you won't learn about people like Caesar, Napoleon, or Mr. Bean.  But, who knows?  Maybe you will.  I really haven't started my research in earnest yet.

Or of Ernest.

      However, before we begin, I thought I'd repost something I wrote several years ago which purports to instruct us as to how things are dated.  This is pretty much, word-for-word, that original post.  But, most importantly, I outline my opinion about the "politically-correct" way of handling dates, especially when it comes to the ancient past. 

    So, before I get ahead of myself...what's in a date?

     NOTE:  Judaism uses a different method of dating for their holy days.  While they undeniably date things with the method others use, they also use dates based on the Torah.  Anything to drive us meshuggah.  Come to think of it, I think Muslims also do this.  With the added benefit of beheading. 

     Since...uh...a long time ago, we've dated civilization using a "BC/AD" convention.  It's worked well as far as long as I've been alive.

And since I've been alive since most of you, it should work for you, as well.

    On the other hand, if you've been alive longer than I, good luck with those Depends, catheter sample packs, and Matlock marathons.

"And not the Kathy Bates Matlocks, either.  No joke."

    "B.C." stands for "Before Christ."  Meaning "Before Christ Was Born" not "Before Christ Started Shaving."  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that Jesus was born sometime around 4 B.C. (well, that's what the nuns told us), meaning Jesus was born four years before Jesus was born.  We all get it, Perfesser.

"It's a divine mystery.  Now, knuckles if ye please, cheeky boyo."

  

    "A.D." stands for "Anno Domini," which is Latin-not Greek-for "Year of Our Lord."  It does not mean "After Death."  If that's what it stood for, then, since Jesus was 33 years old when he was crucified, then there's something like 33 years (or 37, considering that 4 B.C. thing) unaccounted for.

    In the last years of the 20th Century, though, a new method of dating things has arisen: that of "B.C.E." or "Before the Common Era" and "C.E." or "Common Era."

    This was done to downplay the influence of Christianity and the Western World.  Don't try to tell me this isn't so.

    Now, okay, I guess I'm okay with diminishing a Christian-centric convention.  I mean, if I was not a Christian (even a good one), I'd probably have a problem with talking about something which happened in the "year of our Lord," anyway.  After all, Jesus isn't the Jews' Lord, an atheist has no Lord (unless you count the "God of Climate Change."), pagans worship sticks, Jehovah's Witnesses worsh...hell, I don't know what they do, and Satanists idolize...uh...Satan.

Muslims would get ticked off, I suppose, but they're too busy exploding

.

   NOTE:  I'm making outlandish generalizations for comedy purposes only.  Get over yourselves.

     The problem I have with this, though, is what exactly is "Common"?  Sure, Christianity and Judaism are common (Buddhism was also around, I think, but I'm trying to make a point here).  You can't exactly say Islam was common, because that religion didn't start raging around the Middle East and Mediterranean until 632 A.D.

    This means that, if you were going for a "common" vibe (using the "Big Three"), the year should actually be 1394 C.E., instead of 2026 A.D.  By the way, I know that "A.D." should go before the year, smart guy.  Shut up.

    No, what this is is a politically correct way of changing the name of something without actually changing anything.  The years are still the same.  In other words, Jesus was still born in the same year, except now it's 4 B.C.E.

    If the "C" stood for "Christian," it would at least be an accurate statement of fact.  Even though I'm not advocating that, you couldn't argue that Muhammed was born in 570 of the Christian Era.

    Once again, though, I understand the reticence towards "Christian-Centric" dating.

    NOTE:  I'd reword this, but I'm leaving it in.  Makes me laugh.

    So, if you want to go away from a Christian lens, why not date things from the founding of Rome?  The fall of the Western Roman Empire?  Norman Conquest?

"Or something else.  Wink...wink."

      I realize that won't happen because can you imagine the disruption that would cause to our sense of our place in the world, to say nothing of what it would do to Hallmark.

    So, with that being the case, I'll just go right on using "BC" and "AD."  I will not succumb to the silly "B.C.E." and "C.E." nonsense here.  If you're the type of person who is uncomfortable with those terms, rest assured that nothing is different.

    For example, the first case of syphilis was recorded in 1495 A.D., which is the same as 1495 C.E.

     There.  That's something you know now.

    

  

 

Blast From the Past

     Since I'm preparing the 2026 A-Z Challenge, I don't have a lot of extra time to write anything new for Penwasser Place.  So, I figured you wouldn't mind an oldie but a moldie goodie.  Therefore, may I present my 'U' entry from the 2011 A-Z Challenge? 

NOTE:  If inclined to go back and search for the original post (although I can't imagine why anyone would), you won't find it.  In a fit of pique and mental illness, I deleted my entire blog in 2018, a very bad year for me (yes, it involved a woman).  Luckily (or not), I kept a copy of the original writing.

The Underwear Wars

   Come, listen, my children, from everywhere

to the epic battles of underwear.

  Began first with briefs, tighty-whiteys,

that were worn by men both weak and mighty. 

Frankly, I'm disturbed that I kept this photo all these years. 
 I've always thought the dude in the front looked like Christian Bale. 
But it was good to see that Gary Coleman was able to find work before he died.

  But, soon, a young woman began to fret

and wonder why she wasn’t pregnant yet.

  For, you see, the problem lay in the fit

of briefs which pulled the sack near where he’d sit. 

  Thus cooked, the sperm had no place to hide.

Victims of body temperature, boiled and died.

  No happy eggs, no mother-to-be

Just a man and his wife and their color TV

(NOTE: Hey, it rhymed.  Sue me.)

   A doctor’s care being her last resort,

she bought him some boxers, just like gym shorts.

  She told him their loose, casual fit

will keep his “boys” far from where he sits.

  With them cooled, his swimmers will be able

to find a place at the “Mommy Table.”

  But, he moaned and whined, “I hate the big hole.

The struggle is real. 
Especially for the gifted.

Meaning, I'm good.

It’s a big inconvenient ‘Whack-A-Mole’.”

  So, to shut up her husband and give her relief

She then thought to buy him some boxer briefs.

  Not quite as snug as the white linen sacks

they gave him the comfort that boxers lacked.

Actually, my preference, if you're curious. 
Why would you be curious?  What's wrong with you? 
Incidentally, not me.

  Excited over this underwear kind

the wife hustled home, only to find.

  Her man, at the doorway, happily bare

No shirt, no pants, no underwear.

  “Honey,” he said, “I’ve got a great plan

That I’m hoping, I pray that you’ll understand.

  “For, just like Kramer or Marlon Brando*,

No undies for me.  I’m going commando.”

 Epilogue:  In a coma, the wife is not expected to live.  Her living will stipulates that her eggs be harvested for the local in-vitro fertilization clinic.

 *Okay, so I’m no Shakespeare.  But, I couldn’t think of anything else that rhymed with ‘commando.’

One more post before the challenge!

 

2026 A-Z Challenge Theme Reveal

 

    Well, time flies.  So, it is we turn our attention once more to the A-Z Challenge.  I shan't bother any of you with details.  The few who read this blog are quite familiar with what that entails.

Or is that 'entrails?'  Well, that's gross.

    Suffice it to say, I'll be spending most of the rest of this month writing thirty posts, which I'll put on delay.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I'll spend a lot of April playing catch-up.  

    This, of course, is time that I could spend finishing my book, Adventures of a Monetary Exchange Specialist.  Sure to be ignored a bestseller, it, sadly, is only half done.  Shoot, I feel like George R.R. Martin, who's been dragging his feet for well over a decade now as he writes the next chapter in The Song of Ice and Fire.

"Hey, don't kid yourself. 
We both may be old, fat, and have beards, but we're nothing alike, you hack."

    That being said, my theme this year is interesting (or otherwise) people throughout history (okay, I like history.  Sue me).  These won't be commonly known people, either.  Meaning, I won't use "Caesar," for the letter 'A."

"COBB SALAD, NOT CAESAR SALAD, YOU NARCISSISTIC BASTARD!  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  MARCUS TRUMPUM???""

    I'll try to keep them short with occasional bits of true facts thrown in, just to keep you guessing.

    Anyway, before you go, Chris from Tilting At Windmills, commenting on my post from last week, observed about the absence of a particular picture.  Well, far be it from me to ignore any request.  Especially since there are very few of you who read this hideous blog in the first place.

    So, without further ado, here ya go, Chris: 

In other words, fun date.