Sign Language XX

"I don't care what you say!
I ain't gettin' in no box!!"

Time To Say Goodbye

On May 14, 2005, the aircraft carrier AMERICA was intentionally scuttled (fancy Navy term for "sunk") to determine what it would take to sink a ship of that size.  For more detail, head on back to Saturday's post.

For now, a video of AMERICA's last cruise set to "Time To Say Goodbye."  It never fails to make me weepy, threatening confiscation of my "Guy Card."

Farewell, America

NOTE:  I'm traveling to Virginia Beach this weekend with my ex-wife.  No, no, it's not what you think.  That ship has sailed (no pun intended-you'll see what I mean below).  Rather than "Virginia Is For Lovers," it's "Virginia Is For Parents."  We're beginning the process of planning our daughter's wedding.  We'll be meeting with a few venues, evaluating menus, determining number of guests, figuring out how many thousands of dollars this will cost us, fish or chicken, etc.  You know.  Parent stuff.
    This means I won't have a lot of time to write a post.  But, that's okay, because this week marks a special anniversary.  On May 14, 2005, the first ship on which I served was sunk a few hundred miles off the coast of North Carolina.  On purpose.
    At the time I was writing for the Navy Times and wrote a column a few weeks before that event.  A column which I'll reprint here.  In these few words, I sought to "eulogize" the crucible upon which I became a man.  A little man, but a man.
    And so began a process which eventually lead me back to Virginia with an open wallet and soon-to-be-abused checkbook.  I'm convinced that all things in life affect our future in some way, great and small.

By the way, I've inserted "notes" to indicate the newest information that I have, as of 2019.  You're welcome.
 

Sure, it was big.  But, they make them bigger now.  

And, more importantly, afloat.

   On a frosty January morning in 1961, the keel was laid for a new supercarrier.  The ship was commissioned on January 23, 1965 as the fifth vessel to carry the name of the nation.  She was USS AMERICA (CV-66).

NOTE:  Incidentally, there's a sixth USS AMERICA.  She's an amphibious assault ship, homeported in California.

    Originally conceived of as nuclear-

Interestingly (for me, anyway...shut up), 

I was part of the turnover crew from 

USS GEORGE WASHINGTON who went aboard

 AMERICA as she departed the Mediterranean

 Sea following her final deployment.

powered, this conventional warship routinely found itself in the middle of history.  From the Arab-Israeli War to Desert Storm, the Gulf of Tonkin to the Gulf of Sidra, or the Mediterranean to the Arabian Sea, she was a big stick in a world roiled with strife.


   I served aboard AMERICA from 1977-1980, members of my family were part of the crew, and my ex-wife was even baptized by the ship’s chaplain.  In a sense, she was the “family ship.”       

I was an aviation electronics technician.  

Who also cleaned toilets.

A lot like today.

Irony.

   I left her in the summer of 1980 to continue an odyssey which carried me to many places and adventures.  I even served aboard another carrier.  But, in all that time, I looked back on my tour with AMERICA as the seminal event of my Navy career.

Cheesy moustache and untucked shirt not included.

    Sure, I was saddened when she was relegated to a spot on the Delaware River along with other grizzled vessels.  But, I took it for what it was worth; it gave me a glimpse into my own eventual "decommissioning.”  Although, instead of being herded with aged warships, I see myself gathered among flesh-and-blood veterans who, no doubt (I lie to myself), will be spellbound by countless “I was there” stories-including a few from CV-66.
NOTE:  I did "decommission" in March, 2005, when I retired from the Navy.  I can't convince anyone to listen to "I was there" stories, though.

    I was never bothered by seeing her permanently tied to a pier, because I knew she could still heed the nation’s call, if necessary.  Plus, it was a treat to fly over her when coming or going from Philadelphia and pointing out “Dad’s ship” to my kids.

By this time, I had lost the moustache.

 And gained thirty pounds.

HINT:  I'm the tall one (yeah, huh?)

    It was also a hoot to get a call from the wife of a friend who happened to be taking a river cruise.  She asked if I knew the name of the aircraft carrier tied up at the former naval shipyard.  Yep, I told her, I did.

    Like a set of Dress Blues (which are really black...but that's another story) still hanging in the closet (never mind if they still fit) or those platform shoes just itching to boogey again (FYI:  I dance like Frankenstein), it was good knowing she was there because “you never know.”

   So, it was a shock to learn my ship will soon be towed a few hundred miles into the Atlantic and used to evaluate what it takes to sink a ship that size.

    Over the course of several weeks, AMERICA

will be brutally battered by torpedoes, cruise missiles, and, maybe, a small boat attack like the one which crippled USS COLE.

   Eventually, she will be rocked by charges set throughout her hull and sink to the bottom.

Kinda sad.  

Good thing I took off all those socks 

I used to...mind your business.

    Don’t be misled, though, when you read “she will slip quietly beneath the waves.”  I witnessed the destruction of a derelict ship as part of a new torpedo test.  A mime-fest it was not.  The agonized groans of twisting metal and collapsing bulkheads persisted all the way to the ocean floor.

    If that ill-starred hulk went out with such a bang, I cannot imagine a ship nearly the size of the Eiffel Tower would give up the ghost any more timidly.

    That being said, what does it say about a Navy which treats the nation’s namesake in such a manner?  Isn’t this an inglorious end to one of the “horses” of the Cold War?  Is she like a family car which has outlived its usefulness and, so, must be discarded?

    I share the feelings of many past crewmembers who feel this is a shabby way to treat one of our own.  Surely, there must be a better way to treat a national treasure.    

Wrong National Treasure.

Although Sean Bean lived in this one.

So, there's that.

    But, the more I thought about it, the more I reconsidered.  Rather than being tossed on history’s scrap heap, Ex-AMERICA will, in the words of Admiral John Nathman, provide “one vital and final contribution to our national defense.”

   The knowledge gained through the trials she will endure will provide insight into the effects of modern weapons on modern warships.  Her sacrifice will provide crucial data to ensure our Sailors are more fully protected from the evil that other men do.

    While a gross analogy, AMERICA’s acrifice is similar to organ donors.  Through her death, others may live.

    What nobler way can you think of for a ship named “AMERICA” to take its final bow?

   I’m sad, but I’m proud.

   Fair winds and following seas.

Sign Language XIX

Pretty limited inventory.  

All they offer are pistons and lube.

Those Meddling Kids

    

    Several years ago, I wrote a book for my daughter.  
   

Nothing says Man Boobs 

quite like "Put Your Shirt On"

    For quite some time, we made it a tradition to rent a beach house at the Outer Banks in North Carolina every summer for a week.  It was a wonderful time spent with friends and, once, with my sister's family.  Lounging around on the beach, lounging around the pool, lounging around the hot tub, taking a nap, then getting up to lounge around some more, we looked forward to the trip every year.
   
    Sadly, we have not returned in several years.  Mostly because all of our children have grown up and we've realized we don't need to drive through four states to lounge.  In any case, the vacations to the Outer Banks have become a nostalgic thing of the past.

On one such trip, my daughter was allowed to ask her best friend to come along.  It was during this time that I was inspired to write The Knothead Twins and the Mystery of the Ghost Crabs.  I did it mostly for her, but I also thought-why not?-make it available on Kindle for anyone who might be interested to have a look.

   
    It wasn't available in paperback until now.
   
    Little did I know that it would be the first of what would eventually be seven books.  Incidentally, none of which are best sellers.

You think I enjoy mopping bathrooms?

  
    After I inflicted St. Stan's: Tales From the Penguin Academy on the reading public, I set sights on what would be the fourth of my "Navy" themed books, Fly Navy.  Before I started, though, I decided to brush off the manuscript of TKTATMOTGC (makes it easier to spell out this way.  Sorta).  I didn't really update it as much as brush it off a little and perhaps make it a better quality read (insert laugh here).  For instance, I included verbs.  Makes for a better read that way.
   
    With the exception of I'll Make Christmas: A Love Story (am I

And you haven't bought them why?  

Oh, yeah.  Taste.

going to include everything I wrote?), TKTATMOTGC is nothing like my other books, Shag Carpet Toilet, It's Not Just a Job, It's an Adventure, or Fifty Shades of Penwasser (huh, whaddya know, I did).    

    TKTATMOTGC, while certainly not a grimly serious bit of adventure and derring-do, is not a lunatic romp through, uh, lunacy, either.  Basically, it's a type of a Young Adult mystery geared primarily to 11 year-old girls.  It was a bit of a struggle to write, as I've never been an 11 year-old girl.  As far as you know.
   
    Think Scooby-Doo.  Without the quality.
   

"JINKIES!  He's going to actually try and sell that thing!"

    At any rate, if you feel like having a look at it (the book...take your mind out of the gutter), feel free (or reasonably priced).  It's available on Amazon for $6.00 (trust me, I wanted to make it cheaper, but they wouldn't let me) or on Kindle still for 99 cents.
   
    At only 88 pages, it's a quick read.
   
    Even with the verbs.

Sign Language XVIII

I wonder if the kids are gluten-free.
And the cookie isn't one of those crappy oatmeal raisin ones.

Happy Easter!

 

    I know what you're thinking. Easter!? Didn't that already happen? Did Ken/Al goof when setting up the delay for this post? Or has he lost his mind?

    Well...yes (mostly), no (although it has happened before), and no (well, not here, anyway).

    

    Believe it or not, there are other Christians out there

To say nothing of Christian Bale.

besides Roman Catholics, Baptists, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Mormons, Joel Osteen, Methodists, Quakers, Quaker Oats, Congregationalists, Lutherans, Lex Lutherans, Calvinists, Calvin and Hobbists, Scientologists....okay, now I'm getting silly. Scientologists!?  

"Chocolate, schmocolate.  Here, have some salt."

  My point is that other branches of the same tree don't celebrate Easter on the same day that the rest of us and Walmart do. These folks are adherents of what are called the Orthodox or Eastern Orthodox faiths. Whether Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, or Romanian Orthodox Episcopate (I never knew there was such a thing...thank you, Internet!).

    These folks observe Easter per the Julian Calendar, which means that the two days have never coincided (I could check, but I don't feel like it. Probably not. And that's good enough for me. Should be good enough for you). To my knowledge, Orthodox Easter usually falls after Easter Bunny Easter, not before (once again, I could check. Don't feel like it).

    They still observe most of the traditions that we normally associate with regular Easter, though. Hmmmm...come to think of it, I sound a bit like an intolerant bigot by calling it regular Easter. Sorry.

"Could be worse.  Infidel."

    The symbols of Orthodox Easter are pretty much the same as

"I think he may be compensating for something.  

On the other hand, he probably doesn't need

 masking tape and bobby pins to keep his beanie on."

other Christian faiths. Eggs, the lamb, hats, and pictures of Vladimir Putin (for the Russians). I didn't see any references to an Easter Bunny in my limited research, though. That may be due to the fact that he's exhausted from delivering goodies to children all over the world (except for the Communists) last weekend. After all, he doesn't have a sleigh and reindeer like that fat ass from the North Pole.

"I've never been to the North Pole.  Are there cheeseburgers there?"

NOTE: This is the part of the blog when I rely on what I can remember from History Class at the Penguin Academy. Don't use the knowledge herein to take a History Advance Placement test. If you do, people will think you're a moron. Or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. But, I repeat myself.

    

    The Julian calendar was designed by (surprise!) Julius Caesar

Did not invent Julian Fries.  Because Julienne Fries.

many years before the birth of Christ, indoor plumbing, and Donald Trump. Apparently, Julius wanted to be known for more than birthing procedures and salad. He wanted the calendar to more accurately reflect the seasons of the year. Since the Romans had used various methods in the past (i.e., entrails of an owl) this often resulted in snow during peak beach and pillaging season.

    Frankly, he should have inserted a "save the date" for the Ides of March on his new calendar: "Stay indoors."

    Just sayin'.

    Anyway, this calendar was used throughout the Christian world for hundreds of years (while the Chinese were inventing gunpowder) until that know-it-all, Pope Gregory XVII (some Roman number…whatever), decided that the calendar invented by the perforated dead pagan dictator blew. So, he decided to make his own calendar, which he called the "Gregorian Calendar" (once again...surprise! Try and keep up) in 1582 A.D.

"Because, you know, your calendar sucked."

"Oh, yeah?  Well, who has a month named after him?  

That's what I thought.  

By the way, has anyone seen my eyes?"

NOTE: I use the "BC/AD" convention rather than goofy politically correct "BCE/CE" nonsense. Because screw anyone who doesn't like it.

But, instead of gradually breaking the new system in, Greg just lopped eleven days off the calendar. So, just like that, October 4th magically went to the 15th. Kind of abrupt, to be sure, but to be frank, it was the 16th century. Most Europeans were digging around in the mud or dying of the plague and wouldn't have known the difference anyway.

NOTE: Yes, yes, I know. The Black Plague mostly took place in the 14th Century. Would you have preferred I wrote, "Giving smallpox to Indians"? Didn't think so. Shut up.

"That's 'Plague of Color.'  Racist."

    What this all meant was that, besides effing up Washington's birthday (look it up…I can't do everything for you), stubborn people wound up observing events like Easter on different days.

    Unfortunately, Orthodox Easter is not a Federal Holiday, thanks to those haters in Washington, D.C.

"Oh.  Because it's a Sunday?
Huh.

Okay.

Thanks.

Don."

"Well, Whaddya know?  Carry on."

Still shouldn't watch The Ten Commandments, though, and call it an Easter show.  

That's a Passover thing.  Plus, there were no Easter Bunnies in Egypt.

"You should see what all that heat and humidity does to my ears.  

Plus, Joe Biden got me this sweet gig."

Sign Language XVII

Well, now we know where Monica Lewinsky goes to church.

Inspired By Neko Random

"Uh...sure.  But could you hurry?"

Sign Language XVI

Conversely, if you judge a man by his ability to speak and breathe underwater, you're talking to Aquaman.

"Wait.  I'M Aquaman!"

"No, I'M Aquaman!"

"I'm Spartacus!"

"I'm Batman."

Strikes Everybody

"Depends."

Sign Language XV

That word doesn't mean what he thinks it means.

Sign Language XIV

Pretty good coffee.

I just wouldn't bend over when hiking.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that."