Penwasser History: Gee, Thanks Part II

  

"Eel pie??  WTF is wrong with you, Runs With Scissors!? 
Couldn't you bring a green bean casserole like a normal person?"

    Oh, what a day it must have been!

    The brightly colored leaves swirling madly amongst the trees, a chill autumn wind blowing briskly over freshly-harvested fields, and the forest animals bustling crazily about in preparation for winter (NOTE:  No money wasted on that Creative Writing course, huh?).

"We taught you well, boyo.  Me knickers are moist. 
Still...knuckles if you please."

    And nobody fighting over the remote.

    So it was in 1621 that Governor Bradford of Plimouth (that’s how they spelled it back then, smart guy) Colony thought it was high time to celebrate a day of thanksgiving.

    Frantically scurrying to find a suitable venue at which to hold their celebration, the Pilgrim fathers were disappointed to learn they were too late; all the good days in October and early November had been reserved months ago for the Pequot/Schwartz wedding reception, the Jamestown “We Were First” Commemoration, and the last of the Mohican family reunions.

"I thought there'd be more people."
"Well, Uncas was pushed off a cliff."
"I think most people didn't come because you're a white guy."
"That's fair."

    And, wouldn’t you know it, those smarty-pants Canadians with their hockey and wool hats decided to have their own harvest celebration on Columbus Day weekend.  This, despite a fierce ad campaign by the “Sons of the Santa Maria” fraternal organization.   

    Luckily, a spot opened up the last Thursday of November when “Mohawks On Ice!” was forced to close after some Hurons stole their loincloths.  So, the Native Europeans invited their friends, the Native Americans, 

Not you.

to a grand feast held at the local Moose lodge picnic pavilion (with real moose.  Or, would that be ‘mooses?’  Or ‘meese?’  Sheesh.  English).

"'Moose' will do."

    A grateful people, the Pilgrims wished to thank the “heathen savages” for all their help getting the colony on its feet.  After all, the tribe was essential to their gaining a foothold in the New World, long before the Trail of Tears, Wounded Knee, and all-you-can-eat casino buffets. 

    Imagine what would have happened had Squanto not taught the Pilgrims to plant dead fish with their corn.

    Prior to that, they just stuck them in their trousers.

"This way your pants won't smell like dead fish."

    Plus, the tribe brought the eel pies.  Hmmmmmm....eel.

    Many customs today hearken back to this coming together of disparate peoples.  The feast, the fellowship, two-hand touch game of lacrosse after supper, the men falling asleep in front of the fire with their hands in pants happily free of fish...all laid the foundation of that which identifies us as a nation.

    NOTE:  By us, I mean the United States.  Canada, you have your own Thanksgiving.  England, you coulda had a piece of this, but noooooooooo.  Everyone else, hey we’ve got Thanksgiving and Sydney Sweeney.  Well, and Mel Gibson because Australia gave him back.  Thanks, mates.

    Luckily, some aspects of that first thanksgiving have not survived.  For instance, few people realize that, while turkey was indeed one of the dishes, the main course consisted primarily of venison, cod, squirrels, and SPAM. 

    Happily, it was the giving of thanks which has endured throughout peace, war, and the Carter Administration.

"That doesn't make any sense."

"It doesn't, does it?"

"Oh, just leave it in."

  No doubt Governor Bradford himself began a tradition which survives to this day: putting relatives on the spot to state what they’re thankful for (or ‘that for which they are thankful.’  Happy now, grammar snobs?).  If they didn’t come clean, they wouldn’t be allowed to eat food they wouldn’t normally eat any other time of year (think ‘eels’).

To be concluded...

 

Next:  We give thanks.  Mostly, thank God this post is almost over.