Call Me Al

     Thanks to the 2026 A-Z Challenge, several new people have decided to stick around and see for themselves if the silliness I displayed in April has continued...

    It has.

    That being the case, some of them may not know the origin of the "Al Penwasser" moniker.  The fact they also may not care won't stop me from going into the history of the whole Al Penwasser/Ken Lynch business.

    I actually explained Al's origins several years ago, so this could be considered a repost.  But, what the heck?  A repost is easier than having to actually write anything new, amirite?

    Several years ago, I was a “freelance stringer for Navy Times, a subsidiary publication of the Army Times Publishing Company” (if that sounds like a line from a resumé, it is).  

    My position was to write editorials, called "Back Talk," on the newspaper's last page.  Perhaps not unsurprisingly, they weren't serious commentaries on the military-industrial complex.  Rather, it was a silly bit of business that lasted for ten years which is amazing.

Even more amazing?  They paid me!

    What name did I use for my byline?  That's right...Al Penwasser.  It wasn't that I wanted to remain anonymous.  I didn't care if anyone actually knew it was me; it's just that I thought people with whom I served, and hadn't seen in years, would get a hoot out of seeing it.

    But, how did I come up with "Al Penwasser" in the first place, you might ask?  Okay, this is the part where "repost" comes in.  If you've read this before, feel free to skip and go look at an "Only Fans" page (I won't judge).  If you haven't read this before, feel free to stay.  Or go look at an "Only Fans" page.

The story you're about to read can be found in this book. 
Which also includes a tale of a cheesesteak mixed with a flight boot.

   

    Life was considerably different in the late 80’s than today.  We didn’t fret about Mayan prophecies, fume over gas prices, or wonder why Kim Kardashian was famous.  We had Bill Cosby instead of Chris Rock, Qaddafi instead of Osama, and Madonna instead of Lady Gaga.  And Dick Clark instead of...uh...Dick Clark. 

 (NOTE:  okay, so I wrote this several years ago.  We don’t have Osama anymore.  Would you prefer I said Ayatollah Khamenei Khamenei's son?  Plus, Cosby? Awkward.  And Dick Clark is dead).

"All of a sudden, there was an earth-shattering kaboom."
"DEATH TO AMERICA!"
"See?  Talk like that lead to the earth-shattering kaboom."

    

    The “Evil Empire” was still in business and few people did a better job of caging the bear than the U.S. military.  Our influence was felt throughout the world and it could be argued that, like the British Union Jack before it, the sun never set on the Stars and Stripes.

    Each of the services had their hand in winning the Cold War:  the Army held the line in places like Germany and Korea, the Marines scared people with their haircuts, the Navy ruled the waves, and the Air Force kept golf courses in business.  Together, they promoted truth, justice, the American way, and McDonalds. 

And Space Force didn't exist.

    The Lajes Naval Air Facility in the Portuguese Azores was just such a place.

    Perched nine hundred miles off the European coast, Lajes was a major stopping off point for forces crossing the Atlantic Ocean.  The roar of aircraft pausing to refuel there was as common as flag burnings in Tehran.

Relatively peaceful, we called it the "Betty Ford Clinic of the Mediterranean." 
Yes, yes, it's in the Atlantic Ocean, not the Med.  Sue me.

    In addition, Lajes was an ideal spot for launching aircraft to locate and track Soviet submarines going back and forth from the Mediterranean Sea.  Crucial to this effort were groups of fixed-wing P-3C Orion sub-hunting aircraft.

Nary a flushing toilet to be had

    It was also where Al Penwasser was born.

    Petty Officer Penwasser was an enlisted aircrewman attached to Patrol Squadron Eleven during its deployment to Lajes in the final days of the Cold War.   

    Not many people actually saw him, but I knew he existed from the day I reported to VP-11 in 1987.  Many folks warned me to be on the lookout for this cocky individual who always seemed to be on “assignment.”

    Even though I never laid eyes on him, I did see his service record, training folder, and the volumes of mail he received on a regular basis.

    I never questioned why his picture board photograph always came up missing or why “Classified-Secret” was pasted across his face when it wasn’t.

    It certainly drove the Commanding Officer nuts that Penwasser never checked in with him.

    He did have a checkered career, unfortunately.  Promoted to a senior rank, he was subsequently demoted for parachuting into Grenada armed with only a blow-up doll and a spork.  A week before the actual invasion.

Yeah, no kidding. 
The United States actually invaded the island of Grenada in 1983.
Oil not involved.

    After the Cold War, he realized his lifelong dream of becoming a member of the Special Forces.  Exactly WHOSE Special Forces we didn’t know; all we knew is he volunteered for only the most dangerous of missions.  Ya know, like hunting with Dick Cheney or designated driver for Charlie Sheen.

Trust me, when I wrote this, the Dick Cheney joke was funny. 
I hope.

    He stayed in touch, though.  We routinely got postcards from places as exotic as the Orient, the Gulf, Daytona Beach at Spring Break, or New Jersey.  A sentimental rake, he always signed them, “Love, Al.”

    Our last contact with him happened when an 18-wheeler pulled up in front of our squadron hangar.  Evidently, Mr. Penwasser had placed an order for a manure spreader (which we thought was pretty appropriate).  Luckily, we convinced the flustered driver that Farmer Al had transferred, to where we weren’t sure. 

    After that, he dropped out of sight.  We sometimes saw his name in guest registers at places like the Pantheon, the Dubai Seamen’s Center, assorted Mayan ruins, or bowling alley bathroom walls, but that was about it.

    Like Vanilla Ice’s career, Chastity Bono’s breasts, and Miley Cyrus’ innocence, Al Penwasser just disappeared.

There once was a time when Chastity Bono becoming Chas was considered shocking. 
Oh, that childishly innocent 20th Century!

    I never found out where he went or what he did, but his spirit lives on in this blog and elsewhere.  No matter whether the subject is Old Man Toe, Columbus Day, or Heel Piss Cream, I’m proud that Al has once more found a home for his wry take on life.  

    Oh, and as for that name.  Comes from Portuguese bottled water: 

    Alpen Wasser.

Creative Artist Note:  "Heel Piss Cream."  Maybe a future repost?