"V" is For "Vlad the Impaler

 NOTE:  Okay, like with Kublai Khan, I’m throwing another repeat at you.  Although, this is from a few years ago so I very much doubt anyone will remember it.  Also, most of the people coming to visit for the A-Z Challenge (thank you) are brand new and haven’t even see this at all.  At any rate, I hope you come back when things return to “normal.”  There’s nothing better to make you feel good about yourself than reading this nonsense.

    So...on with the show. 

“V” is For “Vlad the Impaler”

 

Rockin' that 1470s porn stash

    Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia (we Americans will probably never know where that is unless we start a war there),

"As long as they don't develop werewolves."

Just to be safe.
Just south of Transylvania.
Yeah.  There really is such a place.

was a member of the House of Dracula (no kidding), 

Or House of Pancakes.  Sources are unclear.

and is commonly known as Vlad Tepes, or "Vlad the Impaler."  This pretty much hacked off Chip Tepes.

"Wait.  I thought impaling was my thing."

     Born in 1431, Vlad died (or did he?), in 1476 at the age of 45 (go ahead, do the math.  I dare you). 

    His reputation for excessive cruelty inspired Bram Stoker to write the classic novel, Dracula (now you know where he got the name).  And Hollywood, being Hollywood, churned out countless vampire movies in which impaling never was really a big player.

"But neck biting.  Totally a thing."

    Impaling, for those of you who do not know, involves running a pointed stick up through the body.  If still alive (I can't imagine anyone would have been, but maybe. Who knows?  I never met too many impalees), the human shish-kabobs are stuck in the ground to serve as a warning to others not to mess with Vlad III (who was much fiercer than his father, Vlad II the Floral Arranger).

"Yikes, that's just gotta hurt. 
Better not piss myself off.  Or Chip."

    Be that as it may, Vlad is a national hero in Bulgaria and Romania (I thought we were talking Wallachia?  Geez, those people just can't make up their minds).  He fought a series of vicious wars against the Ottomans, thus preserving his peoples' freedoms.

    Stories that he was a monster began circulating sometime before his death and grew in intensity in the centuries afterward.  Many of these tales originated from the Turks (surprise) and the Germans (yeah, as if those people had a lot of room to talk).

    I suspect that, while I'm quite sure they had some basis in fact, most of the hysteria was overblown.  Much like the stories of Americans tossing thousands of Japanese-Americans into internment camps.

Oh.  Wait.

    At the very least, the only crime that I can see that Vlad is guilty of is that mustache.

    And the hat.

    Probably got a free bowl of soup with that hat.

    Which is much better than a flagpole shoved up your anus.

    More than likely.

"Oh, I don't know."