"J" is For "Joan of Arc"

 

"J" is For "Joan of Arc" 

 

Not to be confused with "Noah of Ark"

  Joan of Arc is considered the patron saint of France

Along with Saint Marcel

for her role in the eventual coronation of Charles VII as King of France (before which he was known as the “Dauphin.”  Why?  I don’t know.  It’s French) and leading French troops to victory after the siege of Orleans.  A string of victories followed, which played a critical part in France winning the Hundred Years War decades later.

    NOTE:  The Hundred Years War (1337-1453), which lasted quite a bit longer than a century, was a struggle between England and France for various reasons of which we won’t get into here.  This thing is long enough, yo.  Suffice to say it, incredibly, was won by France.

Mostly due to French use of Tactical Taunting

    The Maid of Orleans was born to French parents (which, I would think, goes without saying) sometime in 1412 and died on May 30, 1431, due to extreme overheating.  She is known as "Joan of Arc" (or "Jeanne d'Arc."  More French) because it refers to her father's family name.

    Imagine if it had been "Finkelstein."

    In 1428, she asked to be taken to the court of Charles VII.  Once there, she told the Dauphin that she had visions from the Archangel Michael, Saint Margaret, and Catherine about how she could help the French beat the English.  She also stumbled upon some wicked mushrooms in the family garden.

    Charles sent her to help the French at the siege of Orleans because he figured “Why not?” and the sight of a chick in armor would freak the Limeys out.  

Which it probably did

Shortly after Joan arrived, the English left because it was tea time.  A string of victories followed, which played a critical part in France winning the Hundred Years War decades later.

    Wait.  I already said that.  Sorry. It’s late.

    Unfortunately, Joan got a little too big for her chain mail and the French fell on hard times.

    She was captured by Burgundians, Frenchmen who supported the enemy (kinda like Democrats), on May 23, 1430 at the Siege of Compiegne.  She was turned over to the English and put on trial for heresy.

    The charges against Joan included the aforementioned heresy, dressing in men’s clothes, and speaking of visions deemed demonic in nature.  

The charge of turning someone into a newt was dropped, however.

    Not surprisingly, she was found guilty.

Something didn't look right when she walked in.

    NOTE:  This was over one hundred years before the establishment of the Church of England.  Therefore, it was “Catholic On Catholic” violence.  And here you thought Islam was the only violent religion in world history.

"Yeah, but we're here, we're now, though, infidel!"

    Joan was burned at the stake on May 30, 1431 (hence the “extreme overheating” crack).  

"For this you wear a dress?"

    She was only nineteen at the time, which was a real bitch because she planned to enter the freshman class at the University of Paris.  She was looking forward to wild keg parties.  And Parisian mushrooms.

    In 1456, an inquisitorial court overturned the verdict, declaring it had been rife with procedural errors and the English judges having a hard-on for a chick who had kicked their asses.  This, of course, didn't do Joan a whole lot of good.

    NOTE:  Actually, if you believe that stuff, overturning the judgement of a witch would clear the way for her soul to enter Heaven.  Prior to that, she had been stuck in Purgatory, the Church’s version of Detroit.

    In 1920, she was canonized by Pope Benedict XV.  Two years later, she became one of the patron saints of France.  

"If you like that, you should see what I did with eggs."

    Along with Saint Maurice Chevalier.  Who sang, “Thank Heaven For Little Girls.”

Coincidence?