"E" is For "Elagabalus"

"E" is for "Elagabalus"

All head, no body

"Head?"

    One of the reasons I enjoy the A-Z Challenge is that I learn new things.  For instance, my entry for the letter “E,” "Elagabalus," has afforded me the opportunity to do a deep dive on someone I didn’t know a whole bunch about.

    NOTE:  I have barely scratched the surface of the lives of the people I've chosen since my intention is to make these hideous things as short as I can.  After all, you have lives to lead.  But, if you want to learn more (especially which are the jokes and which are not), I encourage you to go into much greater detail.  Who knows?  Maybe you 'll get to be a nerd like me.

And never get laid.

     While I recognized the name, I hadn’t realized that “Elagabalus” wasn’t his birth name.  Rather, it was a nickname ascribed to him after his death.

     Spoiler Alert:  He did die.

   He who was known to history as “Elagabalus” was born Marcus Aurelius Antoninus circa AD 204 (“CE” to you politically correct nonnies) in Homs, Syria.

    Nerd Note #1:  Even though he was born in Syria, he was not a Muslim.  Those crazy bastards wouldn’t start swinging swords and lopping off heads until near the middle of the 7^th Century.

We're coming for you, though, infidel.

   Why was he named after Marcus Aurelius, you might ask (you're probably not asking).  The “Philosopher Emperor” was a key figure of the Nerva-Antonine dynasty, while Elagabalus was part of the Severan Dynasty.  So, my answer?

Beats the shit out of me.

   Nerd Note #2:  Roman emperors being known by a nickname does have precedent.  The Emperor Caligula’s real name was Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (try fitting that on a birthday cake).  As a young boy, though, he often accompanied his father, Germanicus, into army camps where he wore a smaller version of sandals legionaries wore.  These “little boots” were called “Caligulae."

   Where was I?  Oh, yeah, Elagabalus.

    Elagabalus ascended the throne on May 16, 218, when his predecessor, Macrinus, was murdered (there was a lot of emperor-murdering going on).  He took the throne at the tender age of 14, which was crazy because you had to be 16 to even get a chariot license.

"Chicks dig the toga, though."

    When you think about it, though, the average lifespan for Roman males was between 25 and 30 at the time.  So, I guess you could call Elagabalus middle-aged.

    Anyway, as teenagers are wont to do, Elagabalus wound up being a real pain in the ass.  Sleeping in, chasing girls, eating all the food in the palace, talking all day on a ram's horn which he called a "telephone," bringing his own god to Rome...

    Hang on, can’t let that go because it will explain his nickname.  He incorporated the sun god, Elagabul, into the Roman pantheon.  Apparently, there was plenty of room.  He ordered that Romans worship this interloper, to the detriment of the others.

Elagabul.
This looks familiar somehow....

I knew it.

    He lead a life of excess and debauchery.  There was even some question as to his sexuality.

    He managed to tick off the people, the senatorial class, and even his Praetorian Guard.  Holy crap, even Commodus had the support of the Praetorian Guard and we know how much of a dick he was, especially to 

the commander of the Armies of the North, general of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, and husband to a murdered wife.

"Eff.  I think I pissed him off."
NOTE:  Not Joaquin Phoenix.

    Anyway, he was assassinated by some disaffected members of his guard in 218, a relatively old man of 18.

"He says 'pull my finger' just one more time..."

    Much like with Akhenaten (I invite you to visit my entry for ‘A’) with all that goofiness and his sun god worship, the mere mention of his name was thoroughly discouraged.  

"Come on!  I thought I was done already."

  Romans wanted to forget the whole thing happened.  Especially the part where their emperor had zits.

    However, the Romans didn’t learn a thing, because the next emperor, Alexander Severus, was only 13.

"They're gonna make you emperor.  You can quit this crappy job now."

    Historians are unclear whether his testicles had dropped.