Penwasser Place: Kinoki Foot Pads

I’ve always been fascinated when certain words/phrases enter our lexicon.

NOTE: Fancy word for “vocabulary.” You’re welcome.

From “jump the shark” to “not that there's anything wrong with that',” our vocabulary (simple word for...oh...you get it) is peppered with colorful metaphors, some playful, some profane.

Like "she's got a face like a hat fulla assholes."

As an example (although I don’t think anyone else uses this particular phrase, but feel free to), I have come to refer to any product which more than likely doesn’t work as advertised as a “Kinoki Foot Pad.”

Says it, among other things, 'maintains beauty.'

Although, I'm thinking this one would need a truckload.
Even then.

Some of you out there may know the scam to which I refer. In the 1980s (if I remember correctly), the Kinoki Corporation (hence the name) hawked what they claimed was a miracle cure sure to cleanse the body of heavy metals and toxins.

All you needed to do was place a pad on the bottom of each foot and, by morning, you’d peel them off. You’d know they were working by the dark patches that were left when you woke up.

Seriously, ewwwwwwwww

Well, that sounded great to me! After all, who couldn’t use a little bodily cleanse? You better believe I bought me a set. Besides, they were advertised on TV and everybody knows that TV doesn't lie!

Although, I suspect that flying nun thing was bullshit.

NOTE: In the modern era, it’s “Everybody knows the Internet doesn’t lie!” Same concept, though.

"Bonjour."

Well wouldn't you know, the Kinoki Foot Pads didn’t work. My body wasn't cleansed and all I had to show for it were funked up foot pads which I couldn't even sell on Marketplace as religious artifacts.

"Did you try them ?"
"I'm the Almighty. You really think I'm that stupid?"

As I soon found out, the Federal Trade Commission penalized Kinoki for running a scam. Apparently, there was no evidence that these things worked.

Yes, as advertised, the patches were dark brown at the end of a goodnight’s sleep. But, this was actually caused by foot perspiration reacting with chemicals in the things (like I said, ewwwwww).

So, they were ordered to cease and desist from making false claims to dupes.

"Like you."
"Dupe."

Well, Kinoki was down but not out. While researching for this post,

I don't always wing it.
Mostly, though.

I saw that Amazon sells Kinoki Foot Pads. Except now, instead of purging the body of harsh chemicals, they’re hawking them as being key for helping pain relief and eliminating odor, among other things, like stopping climate change.

"Enough pads at enough shores and we'll stop the oceans from rising.
Make checks out to me."

Amazingly, given the reviews, there are quite a few people out there who buy into this snake oil, proving P.T. Barnum’s maxim

"There's a sucker born every minute."

As for me, I’ve learned my lesson and won’t just buy anything willy-nilly off TV or the Internet just because some Hollywood celebrity or kindly-looking senior citizen say so.