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I took one of those quizzes that lets you know how many steps you need to walk daily to get to your ideal weight. Apparently, I need to walk to Chile. |
Okay, this is
going to sound wicked self-serving.
Perhaps it is, but this past Friday was my 67th
birthday. It was fun in a morbid realization
that the extended warranty on my body has expired kind of way. But, at least I’m on the right side of the
hole.
For now.
Anyway, the occasion called to mind
my 19th birthday wayyyyyyy back in 1977. As I told the story of what happened that day
to my coworkers, I was reminded of a short story written in 1902 by the
Englishman W.W. Jacobs, “The Monkey’s Paw.”
Seriously, that's how my mind goes. But, if you've been coming around here a long time, you probably already new that.
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"What does this have to do with his birthday?" "Don't worry. He'll get to it. I hope." |
NOTE: That he was an “English” man is probably irrelevant, but, hey, creative writing!
I won’t go
into the entire plot because, let’s face it, you want to get in and get out
with this post. No sense clogging it up
with…words.
Suffice to say the
aforementioned paw had the power to grant three wishes, but at a terrible cost.
The horror part of this thing kicks off when the main character wishes for 200 pounds.
Hey, whaddya know, being "English" is relevant!
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"Quite." |
Apparently, he wanted to make the final mortgage payment on his house.
NOTE: Incidentally, 200 pounds is equivalent to $269.99 in real money (or one of Whoopi Goldberg's legs). Well, at least in 2025. Who knows WTF it was worth in 1902? Hey, I’ve done enough work for you people.
Well, he gets it,
but only as a bereavement payment when his son is killed in a horrible accident.
So, what does this
have to do with my birthday, you might ask?
Well, on July 10, 1977, I was at sea aboard USS America as we made our way back to Norfolk, Virginia.
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Now sitting at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Everyone was taken off. I think. |
Eventually, though, I would be footloose and fancy-free.
In addition to being a snappy dresser.
As we listened to Manfred Mann's "The Roaring Silence" for the hundredth time,
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Sadly, it was the only cassette tape we had. It was a good album. The first fifty times. |
I made the comment that the following day was my birthday. How sucky was it that I would have to work?
Yeah, that was back when I actually cared that my body made another trip around the sun. Of course, I had brown hair and everything worked back then, too.
Well, wouldn’t you know? That evening, I got into a pretty significant fight with a huge cook over a set of fully intact rubber gloves.
NOTE: Yes, it was as petty as that.
The upshot is that
I lost. Badly. So badly that I needed twenty-one stitches to
close the gash on the bridge of my nose.
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Resulting in a scar I carry to this day. And here you thought I was a dreamboat. |
The result of this thrashing was that I was admitted to the ship’s medical ward (aka sickbay). I spent the next day in a hospital bed. I obviously didn’t have to go to work scraping cigarette butts and dried eggs off plates.
So, there was that.
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Shoot. I make it sound like it was revolting or something.. |
But, that day was July 11th. My birthday.
So, like with the monkey
paw, be careful of what you ask.
You may get it.
And it probably
won’t be $269.99.
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Shameless Self-Promotion That story-and more!-is in this book. Amazingly, still available on Amazon |
Trust me, you're going to want to click on the link below. Don't worry, it's not some sort of phishing scam or attempt to lure you into the website for NAMFLA (North American Man-Fish Love Association) for which I can reap rich rewards for each click.
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Or is it? |
Really, it's not.
Actually, while I usually don't post other people's work (mostly because they're generally much funnier than I am), this cracked me up in a "I soooooo know what he's talking about!" kind of way. So, I decided to take a chance and show you what a talented person has to say.
So go ahead and have a look.
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Unless the middle is being used by this inconsiderate bastard. If so, out again I go. |
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Now you know the real reason why Dylan Mulvaney wants to use the Ladies Room |
Sigh...yes, yes, I know, I repost this every year. But, I think it's funny. So, sue me.
BTW, I prefer to say "Happy Independence Day," rather than "Happy 4th of July." While I realize no one will confuse your wish for anything else, every country in the entire world has a "4th of July." You may as well wish someone "Happy 16th of August."
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"Got a card in the mail. It said, 'Happy 4th of July.' Well, I was going to go with the 22nd, but...okay" |
I took one of those quizzes that lets you know how many steps you need to walk daily to get to your ideal weight. Apparently, I need to...