NOTE: Before I get started, I'd like to thank the beautiful and talented Robyn Engel of Life By Chocolate for inspiring the title for this series of posts. While not completely what she suggested (I edited it down for size), it retains the spirit of her spunky humor. Thank you, Robyn!
NOTE 2: Now go visit her blog. You think I went to the trouble on inserting the link for my health?
NOTE 3: Honorable mention goes to Chris of Tilting At Windmills. He may not be beautiful, but he is talented and humble.
NOTE 4: Inserted a link for Chris, too. Same reason. Just come back when you're done. Please.
NOTE 5: As mentioned last week, I'll no doubt insult pretty much all elements of society here. So, don't get your knickers all in a huff. If I haven't mentioned your favorite target of scorn and derision, be patient. I'll get to them eventually. Except those who behead people. Because behead people.
NOTE 6: Just kidding.
NOTE 7: What say we stop with all these frikkin' notes already?
NOTE 3: Honorable mention goes to Chris of Tilting At Windmills. He may not be beautiful, but he is talented and humble.
NOTE 4: Inserted a link for Chris, too. Same reason. Just come back when you're done. Please.
NOTE 5: As mentioned last week, I'll no doubt insult pretty much all elements of society here. So, don't get your knickers all in a huff. If I haven't mentioned your favorite target of scorn and derision, be patient. I'll get to them eventually. Except those who behead people. Because behead people.
The Beginning
A long time ago, which is defined as 14 billion years (give or
take) or (for evangelicals) last weekend, there was a bang the likes of which wouldn't be seen until Chris Christie fell while chasing that ice cream truck in front of a Trenton Dunkin' Donuts (talk about your basic conundrum).
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| "Hey, it was driving away!" |
The result of this massive explosion was that the cosmos began racing outward at breathtaking speeds (once again, think Chris Christie and the ice cream truck) towards the outer edge of the universe where it will no doubt meet Arya Stark.
(Another NOTE: If you don't get that line, watch the last episode of Game of Thrones. Hey, I can't do everything here).
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| Arya Stark
Inventor of Colonialism
Picker-Upper of Smallpox Blankets
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| "Huh, ya know, that sounds like a good idea." |
For some reason, some things decided to remain. No, I don't get it. Why would anything hang around after an explosion? Stephen Hawking would probably know, but, like Gary Coleman, he's unavailable for comment.
So, let's just chalk it up to...
Anyway, said elements then coalesced into the planets, moons, and suns of which we are most familiar. Some would be hot, some would be cold, some like it in the pot nine days old. Some would be gassy (those planets never get invited to Planetary Barbecues) and some would be punchlines for junior high school kids (e.g., Uranus).
One such planet was named "Earth" after a suggestion from Robyn Engel. This didn't seem to make a whole lot of sense because most of the planet which was third in line from Hot Bright Thingie (an accurate, if clumsy, moniker) was water. Okay, Robyn is beautiful and talented. She just isn't too quick when it comes to Science.
She did come up with the name of the red planet, Mars, where she plans to open a chocolate farm. Mars...chocolate...get it?
Should have asked Bill Nye. Who at least is more approachable than Stephen Hawking.
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| "Look, Timmy! There's Bill Nye the...uh...Guy!" "Why's he licking litmus paper, Dad?" "Science, Timmy, science." |
Unless that Beakman guy is still around. I wonder whatever happened to him.
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"Hey, you got any spare change?
That prick, Nye, took all the good science gigs."
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The infant Earth went through probably billions of years or an afternoon (once again, evangelicals) cooling down, solidying what little ground it had (thanks, Robyn!), and putting up curtains until something in the water (which was maybe hit by lightning or fertilized by aliens) decided to get jiggy with themselves and reproduce.
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| Wrong aliens |
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| That's better |
Reproducing was probably pretty difficult because Barry White
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"Hubba, Hubba, you from around here?
What's your sign?"
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Eventually, one of these fish, growing weary of being munched on by prehistoric sharks (which would go to evolve as lawyers) or want ting to escape Mrs. Fish, decided to give what looked like legs a try. So, with great effort, he (okay, I'm assuming gender. Shut up) heaved himself on the shore and became our great-great-great-great (insert a shitload of "greats" here) grandfather.
He actually would have preferred identifying as a great (and so on) grandmother, but his neighbor, Caitlynopitheticus, already cornered that market.
He actually would have preferred identifying as a great (and so on) grandmother, but his neighbor, Caitlynopitheticus, already cornered that market.
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"Let me put you in
your favorite chair, Aunt Edna.
Matlock's almost on."
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Not only would this set the stage for the future of the planet, it goes a long way toward explaining into why Great-Aunt Edna looks like a fish.
Next week: The Dinosaurs and Flintstones....
That ain't all Aunt Edna looks like...
ReplyDeleteI included a shot before she had a chance to put her face on.
DeleteIn my defense, I was twisting a Q-tip in my inner ear, to spy on my next door neighbor who I'd had a thing with. That thing didn't involve nookie-nookie, because he didn't know how but wouldn't admit this. Back to my point, I pulled the Q-tip out of my ear and said "Ear". That's a good name for this planet. But how could I not include chocolate? I then remembered the chemical name for chocolate, theobromine. I thus called our planet Eartheobromine. But some illiterate buffoons who couldn't articulate more than one syllable, called it Earth. Aquaman hasn't respond to my calls for comment (which must involve a one-on-one intensive in a private place, naturally) for millions of years. I still have hope.
ReplyDeleteMe thinks she protests too much?
DeleteI don't know. I buy it.
DeleteHaha. You guys! I'm laughing. How much, Al? I'll take anything for that story.
DeleteI really don't think you want Aquaman. Word on the street is that he smells like fish.
DeleteArya will fall off the edge of the world.
ReplyDeleteIf the writers of GOT have their way, the Arya sequel will only last three episodes.
DeleteAnd while Uranus still gets made fun off poor Pluto got the shaft. Maybe science and evangelicals got together for that one.
ReplyDeleteMeh. Pluto's a Mickey Mouse planet.
Delete"Wrong aliens" much more handsome...hehehe...lol
ReplyDeleteHave a "wonderful" hot summer....
And there's no anal probing.
DeleteSo there's that.
This is way shorter than a show I saw called The History of Everything or some such. They spent a good half hour on most of this. Yawn.
ReplyDeleteMy plan is to make these pretty short. I'm not going for scholarly research, ya know.
DeleteI'm pretty sure trying to escape Mrs Fish was the reason. You can always hide from the prehistoric sharks but Mrs Fish always seems to know where you are... and which of your loser friends you're hanging out with... and about that thing you didn't want her to find out about...
ReplyDeleteEspecially the eels. They're such snakes.
DeleteHey, Al, I linked to you at my place.
ReplyDeleteTurnabout is fair play, but only if you like the backside thing. Oy, just come. I mean, just stop by my blog.
Giggle...you mentioned Uranus....giggle. My hubby can relate to gaseous
ReplyDelete