"E" is For "Elagabalus"

"E" is for "Elagabalus"

All head, no body

"Head?"

    One of the reasons I enjoy the A-Z Challenge is that I learn new things.  For instance, my entry for the letter “E,” "Elagabalus," has afforded me the opportunity to do a deep dive on someone I didn’t know a whole bunch about.

    NOTE:  I have barely scratched the surface of the lives of the people I've chosen since my intention is to make these hideous things as short as I can.  After all, you have lives to lead.  But, if you want to learn more (especially which are the jokes and which are not), I encourage you to go into much greater detail.  Who knows?  Maybe you 'll get to be a nerd like me.

And never get laid.

     While I recognized the name, I hadn’t realized that “Elagabalus” wasn’t his birth name.  Rather, it was a nickname ascribed to him after his death.

     Spoiler Alert:  He did die.

   He who was known to history as “Elagabalus” was born Marcus Aurelius Antoninus circa AD 204 (“CE” to you politically correct nonnies) in Homs, Syria.

    Nerd Note #1:  Even though he was born in Syria, he was not a Muslim.  Those crazy bastards wouldn’t start swinging swords and lopping off heads until near the middle of the 7^th Century.

We're coming for you, though, infidel.

   Why was he named after Marcus Aurelius, you might ask (you're probably not asking).  The “Philosopher Emperor” was a key figure of the Nerva-Antonine dynasty, while Elagabalus was part of the Severan Dynasty.  So, my answer?

Beats the shit out of me.

   Nerd Note #2:  Roman emperors being known by a nickname does have precedent.  The Emperor Caligula’s real name was Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (try fitting that on a birthday cake).  As a young boy, though, he often accompanied his father, Germanicus, into army camps where he wore a smaller version of sandals legionaries wore.  These “little boots” were called “Caligulae."

   Where was I?  Oh, yeah, Elagabalus.

    Elagabalus ascended the throne on May 16, 218, when his predecessor, Macrinus, was murdered (there was a lot of emperor-murdering going on).  He took the throne at the tender age of 14, which was crazy because you had to be 16 to even get a chariot license.

"Chicks dig the toga, though."

    When you think about it, though, the average lifespan for Roman males was between 25 and 30 at the time.  So, I guess you could call Elagabalus middle-aged.

    Anyway, as teenagers are wont to do, Elagabalus wound up being a real pain in the ass.  Sleeping in, chasing girls, eating all the food in the palace, talking all day on a ram's horn which he called a "telephone," bringing his own god to Rome...

    Hang on, can’t let that go because it will explain his nickname.  He incorporated the sun god, Elagabul, into the Roman pantheon.  Apparently, there was plenty of room.  He ordered that Romans worship this interloper, to the detriment of the others.

Elagabul.
This looks familiar somehow....

I knew it.

    He lead a life of excess and debauchery.  There was even some question as to his sexuality.

    He managed to tick off the people, the senatorial class, and even his Praetorian Guard.  Holy crap, even Commodus had the support of the Praetorian Guard and we know how much of a dick he was, especially to 

the commander of the Armies of the North, general of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, and husband to a murdered wife.

"Eff.  I think I pissed him off."
NOTE:  Not Joaquin Phoenix.

    Anyway, he was assassinated by some disaffected members of his guard in 218, a relatively old man of 18.

"He says 'pull my finger' just one more time..."

    Much like with Akhenaten (I invite you to visit my entry for ‘A’) with all that goofiness and his sun god worship, the mere mention of his name was thoroughly discouraged.  

"Come on!  I thought I was done already."

  Romans wanted to forget the whole thing happened.  Especially the part where their emperor had zits.

    However, the Romans didn’t learn a thing, because the next emperor, Alexander Severus, was only 13.

"They're gonna make you emperor.  You can quit this crappy job now."

    Historians are unclear whether his testicles had dropped.  

       

"D" is For "Darius"

"D" is For "Darius"

                                                                     

the III

     For old and new followers: I’m out of town right now so I won’t be able to comment until Sunday. But, feel free to read the following pseudo-history.

    Darius III lived from 380-330 BC (BCE, to you politically-correct ninnies) and was the 13th and last King of Kings of Achaemenid Persia from 336-330.

    Spoiler:  he dies in 330.

    Fun Fact:  After it was Persia, it was Iran.  Before it was Persia, it was...wait for it...Iran.

    The Achaemenid Dynasty was noteworthy for rulers not named Darius III.  It included noteworthy fellas such as Cyrus the Great, Xerxes the Great,

and Darius...the Great.

    NOTE:  Last year, I described in excruciating detail who Xerxes was.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll do so again this year.  Not a whole lotta guys whose name starts with 'X,' ya know.

    Sadly (for him.  Me?  I don't care), Darius was pretty hacked off that he wasn't known as "the Great."  Then again, he realized it could have been worse, since his grandfather was "Herschel the So-So."

    Darius III is most known for creating the Royal Postal Service.

Meaning, they could send a clay tablet
from Persepolis to Parsagadae for the low, low price of one goat.

    He also holds the distinction of not being beaten by the Greeks, like Xerxes.    

"OH YEAH?  WHAT ABOUT ALEXANDER???"

  Oh.  Yeah.  Good point.

  NOTE:  Although, you could argue that Colin Farrell  Alexander...the Great (of course he was) is technically not Greek, but Macedonian.

And probably didn't have an Irish accent

    Speaking of, Alexander started his campaign of conquest in Macedonia (see?), which is Greek-like.  The boy general led his army of a swathe of conquest which included defeat of the Persians after they burned their capital city of Persepolis in 330.    

So much for the Goat Express

    Panicking after he saw flames and dead goats, Darius fled.  Unfortunately (for him.  Me?  I don't care), Alexander chased after him where he clobbered the Persian army of Issus.

"Great, Schmeat.  You suck."

    Thus defeated, the honorific of "King of Kings" would be retired and would reappear until Jeffrey Hunter assumed it in 1961.

    Darius did survive the battle.  Unfortunately (for him.  Me?  Well, you know my feelings on the matter), he was murdered by a relative, Bessus.

And you thought this family was dysfunctional

    Who apparently was sore after Darius made fun of the potato salad he brought to the 331 Achaemenid Family Reunion.

"I mean, come on!  He used Miracle Whip!"

    Alexander was pretty ticked off, because he planned on propping up Darius as ruler in his new empire.  So, he had Bessus tortured and killed.

    Pretty stand up, if you ask me (Bessus would probably argue the point).

    No wonder he was known as "the Great."

    

'C' is For 'Cabot'

 

'C' is For 'Cabot'

Sebastian Cabot
This isn't about him

It's about this guy

    John Cabot (1450-1499) was an explorer who, under commission by the English king, Henry VII, was the first European to visit North America since the Vikings arrived in the 11^th century.

Shortly after arriving, the Vikings left and wouldn't return until the 20th century. 
When they had someone to play.

    Born Giovanni Caboto (or Zuan Caboto in Venetian, for some reason) in either Genoa or Gaeta (who knows?), young John (I’ll continue to refer to him as “John” because it’s easier to type than “Giovanni”) moved to Venice, one of the leading seafaring states in the Mediterranean.

    However, bored by the family Venetian Blinds business and inspired by the exploits of that showoff, Christopher Columbus (perhaps...I don’t know...and neither do you), another Italian, John traveled to England.  It was there where he thought to gain patronage by Henry VII for a proposed voyage west.

"And here you thought us Henrys were
all about banging chicks, getting fat, and eating turkey legs."

    He figured to corner the maple syrup, poutine, and moose market in what would become Canada.

Poutine.
French fries, cheese curds, and gravy.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm......cheesy gravy."

  He was able to convince his majesty that Canada was where he wanted to be,

Or California

 since the Caribbean was full of parrots, pirates, and Johnny Depp.

    Screw Columbus, amirite?

"Not a little hurtful, to be honest."

    Not much is known of his first voyage. But his second voyage in 1497 included a swing past Ireland for a St. Patrick's Day bash.  After stealing some Lucky Charms, they sailed west to Newfoundland, where they found the indigenous tribes to be extremely polite.

"I heard that about you Canadian Indians."
"Eh?"
"Exactly."

  
    He followed that up with a third voyage, his last.

    It’s not known whether he died during that trip, returned to England where he died shortly thereafter, or remained in Newfoundland where he opened up a chain of flapjacks and beaver pelt shops.

    But, he definitely died.

    In any case, were it not for John Cabot, schoolchildren throughout the Western world have one less name to remember on tests.

"Thank goodness.  It's tough enough keeping Vasco Da Gama and Balboa separate."

 

Wrong Balboa

 

'B' is For 'Babur'

'B' is For Babur

    Babur was born Zahir ud-Din Muhammed in Uzbekistan (which is north of India.  I think.  Maybe.  At any rate, north of the equator.  Just ask AOC) on February 14, 1483 and died in Agra (in northern India, near the Taj Mahal) on December 26, 1530.  The day after Christmas.  Which wasn't a big deal.  Because..."Muhammed."

He eventually changed his name to "Babur" which fit better on his birthday cakes.

He is an Indian elephant.
Coincidence?

       Babur is credited with founding the Mughal Empire in 1526, a stretch of territory which encompasses the whole of India and other bits of land which aren’t too familiar to me.  Hey, all I was taught in school was Western Europe.  I can’t help it.

Told ya.

    Now before you think I misspelled the name (hey, to be honest, I’m not perfect so I can understand), this is not to be confused with the “Mongol” Empire.  That, much larger, empire is associated with Genghis Khan.  Interestingly, Babur was a descendant of Genghis.  You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but...come to think of it, maybe you would.  They do look alike, after all.

    Babur was originally a staunch Sunni Muslim, 

"Not to be confused with a Shia Muslim, amirite?"
"Hey, aren't you dead?"
"I am, but I live on at Penwasser Place."
"DEATH TO AMERICA!"
"Attaboy."

but in his later years ameliorated his views to include tolerance of other religions.  In addition, he was a fervent patron of poetry, mathematics, history, riding on top of trains, and hygiene.

Which, sadly, never caught on.

    Fun Fact:  One of Babur’s successors, Shah Jaha, ordered construction of the Taj Mahal in 1631, in honor of his late wife, Mrs. Jaha.

    The Mughal Empire lasted until it was formally absorbed by the British Raj following the Indian Rebellion of 1857.  After which, India became a vital part of the British Empire.

And now, Muslims are part of Great Britain. 
Ironic, no?

    Babur is also lauded for his contribution to American culture for inspiring the Seinfeld character, Babu Bhatt.

    Okay, that isn't true.

Yeah, that's not true.

     But, that Genghis Khan thing totally is.

'A' is For Akhenaten

NOTE:  Well, let the A-Z Challenge begin!  Before you start (and I hope you do), I must emphasize that what you're about to read over the next month merely scratches the surface.  If you wish to learn more, may I suggest you dig even deeper.  Also, since we're talking Penwasser Place here, not everything you read is factual.  Come to think of it, most of what you read is not factual.  But, some is.  Good luck with that! 

'A' is For Ahkenaten

Got a condo made of stonah

 

"Come on.  You know that's bullshit."

   Akhenaten or Akhenaton or Echnaton or Lou (to his close friends) was the tenth pharaoh of Egypt’s Eighteenth Dynasty from 1353 BC-1336 BC (or “BCE” to you politically-correct ninnies).  Or 1351-1334.  People aren’t positive.  Basically, it was a long-ass time ago.

Older than even Keith Richards

    Beginning his reign as Amenhotep IV, he changed his name to “Akhenaten” (meaning “effective of Aten”) in the fifth year of his reign (those crazy teenagers) when he abolished Egypt’s ancient polytheistic (meaning veneration of many gods.  Or parrots) cult in favor of that wacky Atenism, which venerated the sun.  And whose motto was MEGA (Make Egypt Great Again).  Perhaps.

    Anyway, he founded the city of Amarna, which was meant to be the headquarters for the new religion.  However, for reasons which will become clear, it disappeared into the desert and wasn’t discovered until the 19^th century.

The ruins of Amarn...oops, sorry.  This is Los Angeles.

 

Not to be confused with "Amana."
Hey, I wouldn't blame you if you were. 
There's all sort of crazy stuff here.

   When Lou died, Atenism died with him.  Follow-on rulers ordered that mention of his name be stricken from all aspects of Egyptian life.  This included all executive orders royal pronouncements, religious inscriptions, monuments, and his name was even excluded from a list of list of rulers by later pharaohs, preventing his election to the Egyptian Hall of Fame.   

"He was called 'that criminal' and 'Nile Crocodile Dung."

    The city of Amarna was even abandoned.  And not just because it wasn’t prime beachfront property.

The Red Sea was sooooooo close.
NOTE: Their wives went to Nag Hammadi

  

"Come on.  You gotta admit, that was pretty funny."

"What'd I say?"

    The residents were encouraged to relocate to Memphis, which proved to be a disappointment, due to lack of jazz and good barbecue.

    Bottom line, not a popular guy.  Especially once he left.

    And not just because he smelled like croc poop.